Autumn Chris Bowie

Outline Form

2009-09-12T21:16:00.004-05:00

Catching Up On Things

I. Deep Sea Fascination Continues
A. Hairy angler toy from Animal Planet
B. Melissa and Doug Under the Sea Puzzle
C. Bioluminescence

II. Alphabet Memorized
A. They Might Be Giants Here Come the ABCs cd and dvd
B. Interactive ABC and phonetics games
C. Finding letters at Blanton Museum (and everywhere else too)

III. Create Your Own Superheroes
A. Over 35 Superheroes created, named and printed out
B. Bowie's story of married superheroes Sun's Soul and Black's Night (favorite sentence: Such heroes are gladly married to become a team.)

IV. Not Back to School
A. Austin Homeschooling Group had the NOT back to school swim party at NW Park
B. The quiet changes at museums and parks
C. Keeping a journal and blown away by the amount of learning that happens daily

There, that addresses a few things I wanted to get jotted down...not profound, I know. But stuff I want to appreciate and remember and share.

The most important thing to celebrate this week is the rain! It's been raining wonderfully for over a week now. The temperatures have dropped from the hundreds to the upper 80s. The plants are rejuvenated and so am I. I'm encouraging mornings and evening outside and we are ready to come out of our summer hibernation. Here comes Autumn!

And Bowie with one of the Xs he found at the Blanton:

2009-08-20T23:06:00.004-05:00

Life has been feeling very full lately. I smile as I type this, so many good experiences. Things I want to reflect on: our trip to the Pecos, the continued fascination with the deep, Here Come the ABCs, Marvel Make Your Own Superheros, NOT back to school, and more.

Road Tripping...Bowie and I went camping in the Pecos Wilderness last week. That is a LOT of driving. 2 days of 7 or 8 hrs of traveling to get there. I prepared a box of books, games, coloring books, thermos of water, snacks, headphones. I even got a Leapfrog Tag set for Bowie. Part of me felt uncomfortable buying this electronic gadget being advertised as a reading program. I'm an unschooler! We don't need a program. And I've been the kind of mama that was repulsed by electronic, noisy toys. But I quickly moved on past those thoughts open to the possibility of fun this could be for Bowie. They had Scooby Doo and Ben 10 books, some of his current favorite story characters so I decided to try it, not knowing if I'd like it or if he'd like it but thinking it'd be nice to have something new that he could work independently for that through the dessert of the pan handle. He really loved it and played with it for the majority of the first day's drive. He showed it to his grandparents, and we all marveled at how different the world is for him than it was for us. Not in that "I used to walk through the snow 9 miles barefoot" way, but in a way of really feeling gratitude for the way technology has enhanced our lives, especially his.

Camping...And I simultaneously felt such gratitude that we were going camping as a beautiful natural balance. I LOVE camping. My childhood family didn't do much vacationing that wasn't camping. So many of my best memories are from camping trips with them. As a high schooler, I was a member of an outdoor recreation club. In Bowie's first year of life, we went camping five times. Going camping with my family is one of the most rewarding things in my life. And going camping in the mountains...mountains make my soul SING. Going camping in the same mountains where Chris and I fell head over heels in love backpacking, the place where Bowie was conceived...that place is such a part of us. Going camping with his grandparents...Bowie just couldn't get there soon enough, he loves them so. The next three nights Bowie, Tuba (or dog) and I bundled up in our sleeping bags in our comfortable tent after tending to the fire for a few hours. We woke to Grandma and Grandpa ready to cook up delicious breakfasts, were greeted by a dozen hummingbirds (they put up 5 feeders in their campsite.) We spent the mornings in the cold, clear Pecos River. Bowie and I would stay til our feet and ankles were red. I kept going back in barely resisting the urge to just sit down in it. It was so pleasurable to feel my body cool down after the summer of 100s. The afternoons we walked to the horse camp and down the slope behind our site (carrying sticks for weapons, spying with walkie talkies, silently padding along, really connecting with each other and the place.) I was given the gift of time to read my book, write in my journal while Bowie played cards and colored. When the sun went behind the mountain, the temperature dropped, so we changed into leggings and poufy vests. It was so lovely.

Going Barefoot...The last 2 days of the camping, Bowie went barefoot. In the river. On streets. In the ash around the firepit. At all times. On hikes! His feet were filthy and strong. He yelped a couple of times getting poked. But no harm came to him. We wiped his feet off with a washcloth before getting into bed. Many of us grownups recalled our barefoot memories, remembered summers of hardly ever covering up our feet, hopping on hot asphalt and running through prickly grasses. I love that no one told him he has to wear shoes. I always had shoes on hand, brought them in the backpack, and told him that if he changed his mind they were available.

And seeing Great Grandma Rosemary...Our halfway point was Lubbock, TX. My parents both grew up there. And my paternal grandma lives there still. My folks happened to be up there at the same time. My dad was replacing many of her kitchen applainces, doing a quick upgrade. So we got to go the the park where I played when I visited my Grandma. Bowie sat in her lap and shared some of the deep sea books we brought along. This was a really sweet connecting time for them. Bowie kept rubbing the skin of her arms, so soft and thin. I have vivid memories of rubbing my elders's arms in the same way, enjoying that unique texture.

A Very Fun Day

2009-08-05T23:54:00.006-05:00

No photos. Just memories. We woke early, packed up a backpack, stopped for chai tea and bagels, and then spent 5 hours at Volente Beach. This is a little mom and pop swim park on the lakeside. It's really the perfect size for Bowie. We've done Schlitterbahn and it was so huge and overwhelming to him. This place has just 3 body slides that all end up at the same point and minimal time spent waiting in lines. Bowie loves the Flash Flood (open slide) and will ride it over and over again. I wouldn't come to vacation in Austin for a trip to Volente Beach, but we have gone 4 times this summer and enjoyed it so much each time.

Right upon entering is a kiddie area for kids under 42". Bowie is taller, but there was no one else in the area and we asked the attendant if we could play as long as no smaller children came. And we ended up playing there almost 2 hours, with kids all about his size. I enjoyed him initiating games with other kids, sharing his toy, pointing out his favorite things to do with them. He was at ease, taking turn leading and following, smiling and waving at me ever so often. There have been times recently when he would have shied off from playing in an area with other kids. We would plan on going to a park but he'd see kids already there and just wouldn't want to go anymore. Sometimes we'd just drive away from the park, other times I'd hold him in my lap a distance away and he'd watch until he felt ready. After a couple of times, he noticed how much this helped him and I felt so glad for him that he knows himself so well and also knows ways of being in the world that feel good to him. I didn't freak out and wonder if he was social enough. I didn't force him into classes and large playgroups, even as my husband sometimes voiced concerns and asked me to please make sure that he's getting enough time with others. I just let him be, didn't push him and knew that sometimes he felt like making friends with everyone and other times he wanted a big shield around himself. And I suspect that he will continue to ebb and flow in that way, and I feel so grateful that we have a lifestyle that can flow along with him.

Anyway, after finally exhausting ourselves we made the long drive home. It was 103 degrees and we both wanted to get inside, close the blinds, soak up the AC. After dinner, playing and some Ben 10 episodes Bowie requested The Deep. This time we got out 2 books, Down Down Down and The Incredible Journey to the Depths of the Ocean. We flipped through the pages, finding illustrations of the animals currently being described by David Attenborough and read whatever additional information we could find. It was so fun to make these connections; Bowie remembering the pages containing the hagfish, hairy angler, hatchetfish, tubeworms, etc. and turning to them, glancing back forth between the illustrations and film to compare them. (He is at this very moment looking at the books again and pointing out different anglers, with varying colors of bioluminescence.)This deep sea fascination has lasted about a month now, and I think it relates to his love of monsters These are fantastical creatures, unlike any we've ever seen before. I wish we were closer to the ocean! I think we'll be returning to Moody Garden Aquarium in Galveston this fall after it cools down a bit but deep sea creatures can't be brought to the surface; the only way to observe them is through films and actually getting down there. I hope to find ways to make his dream to go down in a submersible come true.

the deep

2009-07-23T23:45:00.004-05:00

Some passions have blossomed here: the deepest depths of the ocean and Imaginext toys. We're watching the BBC Blue Planet episode The Deep a LOT here. Bowie's blown me away, memorizing facts, the narration, identifying animals from thick book we have about oceans, "Here's the fangtooth. It's teeth are so large it can't even close it's mouth." His favorite is the hairy angler. We have some books getting delivered tomorrow: Down Down Down and Manfish. I just love that we can immerse ourselves and go deep.

proof

2009-07-20T13:01:00.005-05:00

A flickr friend from Amsterdam wrote this in comment to my photo proof
"Awww. And, this is what I am curious after, what did you respond? Sometimes I don't know what to answer, I think sometimes I explain too much like when I want to reassure my child something is not real."

And my quick response:
"i think it is SO sweet when he says things like this. i really think his imaginative mind is absolutely part of my son's core being. and i also think we all form our own understandings of reality, which change over time given our life experiences. if he asks me and wants to know what i think, i tell him. for example he has asked me if i believe that fairies exist. my answers have been something like this: "i have never seen a fairy in real life. i have heard many stories and seen many drawing and movies. and i know that some people say that they have seen fairies. i want to believe that they exist, but i haven't ever seen any proof. i'd love to see a fairy!" he did not ask me if this was proof. he said it was. so for him, it is the proof he needs at this time. i smiled and said, "wow! you found fairy wings?" and now i call them fairy wings when i find them too. i would not hesitate to share what i know about cicadas, if he asked me to confirm this proof. i would say, "i have seen these wings on bugs called cicadas. hear that buzzing sound? cicadas make that sound." and continue on finding pictures, looking for them outside, etc. I try to gauge what seems to be his main interest at the moment...imagination or research and go as far as he seems to show continued interest...you've inspired me to think and write about this on my blog. maybe by the end of the weekend i'll have a more thoughtful answer for you heleen."

Well, this weekend started off with a fun bang (Bowie spent the night with my folks and Chris and I did the live music loop of Red7 to Parish then after-partied till dawn) and kept to a nice slow family pace the following days (as we old parents recovered). So the previous response is as thoughtful of an answer as I've come up with yet, summed up something like this: Believing that Bowie doesn't need me to define the world for him, trusting that his experiences will create his understanding of reality, being available and authentic in my responses when he does ask what I think, and responding to his vibe by rushing forth when he is ready to research and listening with an open heart when he is enjoying his imagination. I finish saying that I do not have a script of things to say. I know that what feels authentic to me will not always be a match with what others feel is an authentic response for themselves.

Loves Monsters

2009-07-14T23:53:00.006-05:00

A few days ago we were reading and comparing two books both about Greek mythology. In the cover of one I had written, "For the boy who loves monsters Merry Christmas 2007" He was 3. And he still loves monsters. He talks about monsters for hours everyday, weaving stories and defining their physical qualities, histories, and abilities. He acts them out gracefully, powerfully, with full immersion. It's a passion!

Well, at our local library I found the book Make Yourself a Monster: A Book of Creepy Crafts by Kathy Ross. Although published in 1999, it feels just like the kind of book I would have loved as a little girl. The illustrations are simple and quirky. And even though we aren't in Halloween prep mode yet, I knew this book would be right up Bowie's alley. So here I share a moment of him making the "Giant Reptile" I did the cutting and we did the stapling together (I need to find one that he can easily press down on his own) and he did the rest. I loved that when presented with our bag of red, yellow and blue tempera paint, he immediately said that we needed to mix blue and yellow. I just love it when all of a sudden I notice the things he's been learning. The finishing touch to the what we call "The Green Reptile" is a red party horn...a silly monster incorporates his other passion for hilarity.

We're a Close Family

2009-06-17T23:53:00.005-05:00

Chris and I have a ritual of going out to the backyard and talking every night after Bowie goes to sleep. Sometimes we chat briefly, other times we spend 3 hours out there, playing Scrabble or swimming. We share our experiences throughout the day, remind each other of upcoming events, make plans, talk about movies and books. It is our connecting time and I LOVE it so.

Last night, I heard about a conversation Chris had that day at the office with a co-worker. Talking about refinancing, Chris mentioned our home's square footage, a modest 1,300. His shocked friend said what a close family we must be. Our reactions both were, "Yes, we are." And we both smiled hugely and went on to talk about how well that suits us and how happy we are, so close. We certainly all long for a bit more personal space from time to time (sewing room, recording studio, second bathroom, mudroom), but at this time with Bowie, we want to be close. We want to be able to hear him if he wakes and wants us, able to talk to each other while in separate rooms doing our own things, aware of each others presence. Physical closeness is a part of emotional closeness for me. And we've got both going on, joyfully.

5th Birthday Letter

2009-06-11T22:21:00.004-05:00

An excerpt from my letter to Bowie about his fifth birthday (I mail them to our home and store them by their postmarks, one day to give to Bowie):

"At 45.5 inches, you are almost 6 inches taller than the average 5-year old boy. You are such a big boy. Not only in your size but also in your mind. You are so smart, Bowie. Your use of language is astounding. You stammer as you create these complex sentences, full of adverbs. You tell jokes and laugh with heart-shaped smiles, making joy infectious (whether the joke made sense or not, it's impossible not to join in). People are won over by you. I love that you see each person as a potential friend, inviting strangers over, "Would you like to come sleep over sometime?" I often think back to one day at Zilker Park, before you were talking much, but signing lots. As you watched the swarm of field tripping big kids run past you, you signed "friend" over and over. You have not lost that, my boy. You may sometimes edge into people's private space, touching their faces, hugging and sitting in laps...some people aren't sure how to respond to that. As adults most of us have had decades of training about keeping away from people, but you are retaining that primal trust in people, in connection. It is such a lesson to me, your introverted, reserved Mama. My life, my community is widened as I now chat with many people who previously I would have only communicated with by a smile or glance. So at five, you are still my baby and my teacher...growing larger and more powerful each day."

FIVE

2009-06-09T21:31:00.009-05:00

My dear Bowie is now 5. His birthday was watery and full of new risks and joys. And lots of cheesecake and presents too.

His party at home was loving and fun. Every year I cry when the people that love Bowie sing to him.

He decorated this own cake this year! Delicious devil's food cake and buttercream icing made by Chris.

A friendly and talented neighbor made this spin art bike and let us borrow it for the party. I got 8x8" canvases for each child to make. So beautiful and fun!

The Last Day Bowie was Four

2009-05-27T19:50:00.002-05:00

After dinner I asked Bowie if I could take one last picture of him before the sun went down, one last picture of him as a 4-year old. He agreed first saying he wanted to do a silly photo, then saying a sweet one. I got a sweet one. His smile is a bit unnatural as he is posing, but I found it so darling that he was willing.

Today we went grocery shopping and got supplies for his birthday dinner- escargot, artichokes, crab legs and turtle cheesecake (a close approximation of the dinner he wanted when he turned 3). He told everyone that would pause for a conversation about his birthday dinner, our plans to go to a waterpark, how he shares his birthday with my mom, what he "knows" he's getting for a present (spy transformer that turns into a police motorcycle; I hope I got that right!)- such a charmer he is, and I can see it there in that smile for me.

from FOUR to FIVE

2009-05-17T16:49:00.005-05:00

It's been almost a year since my last post. Bowie was just barely four. I decided to take a break from blogging. Wanted more actual, less virtual. Wanted to think more about living authentically and publicly. Wanted less time at the computer.

I felt both relieved and lost without blogging. So I think I'm back for another try at sharing my mothering journey and our family's adventures and evolution, but with perhaps less frequency. Hello again!

Trust

2008-07-24T22:49:00.005-05:00

Last night while taking a spontaneous drive to Zilker park, we were listening to the new My Morning Jacket's "Highly Suspicious" which I have grown to love. Bowie and I sing along to this song a lot. But tonight he asked what suspicious was. So Chris said it means that you don't trust someone. I googled it and read the definition "openly distrustful". Bowie asked what that meant, and I said that it meant that you make it clear to someone that you don't trust them. Bowie's response was surprising to me, "That's mean." Oh my sweet, loving boy trying to learn how to "be nice".

I paused and said, "You know, there are some people that don't feel trustworthy. They make you feel bad or scared or worried." Silence. I continued, "The people we feel safe with, the people we feel good with are people we can trust."

He said, "I trust you Mama." My soul filled, I turned around in my seat and looked at him saying, "I trust you Bowie." I turned to my husband and said, "I trust you Papa." Bowie said with certainty, "I trust you too Papa." And Chris told us he trusts us too. For the next few minutes, Bowie continued on and on, "I trust our whole family. I trust you."

The evening continued on...gorgeous sunset on the downtown skyline, hours of crazy fun frisbee ending long after dark illuminated with glowsticks and a tiny flashlight, delicious P Terry's burgers at 10pm (a long nap preceded this outing) . As wonderful as that all was, that conversation in the minivan was what I am still glowing with.

Oh, and you gotta listen more than once...

The Daily Groove

2008-06-26T22:12:00.002-05:00

My favorite daily digest of sorts...The Daily Groove. Every morning there is a short message that inspires, comforts, challenges me in some way. I often forward it Chris. They sometimes get discussed late at night over beer in the backyard. These little tidbits for the soul and mind don't always speak to me, but they almost always resonate with me in a deep way affecting not just my parenting but my whole life.

A couple of weeks I pulled out of a foul mood/insomnia with the help of a recent tip...keep a little list of small things/acts that help you feel better when you want to go up the emotional scale. My hubbie was trying to help me but could do no right. I finally thought, "What would be on my list? Listening to Nick Drake, of course." So Chris put my favorite Drake tune on "One of These Things First" and the funk just seeped away.
Here is a recent one that I think of often in my day:

THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle
www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove

:: Red Light, Green Light ::

Virtually all of us "lose it" with our kids at some
point. Then later we say, "I didn't want to yell at my
child, but I couldn't stop myself."

If you want to avoid these parent-child "collisions,"
you have to pay more attention to your "inner
stoplight": stress.

Suppose you're worried about getting your child to an
appointment on time. Worrying is stressful, so it's a
red light telling you to stop and get centered before
moving on. But long ago you were trained to tolerate
stress, so you don't notice the red light. You're on a
collision course!

Which parent is more likely to end up yelling, the one
who's centered or the one who's stressed?

Today, pay close attention to your subtle feelings.
Decide that even "mild" tension or irritation is a red
light. Stop, breathe, reach for better-feeling
thoughts, and wait for the green-light feeling of
*relief* before you take action

http://dailygroove.net/red-light-green-light

Feel free to forward this message to your friends!
(Please include this paragraph and everything above.)
Copyright (c) 2008 by Scott Noelle

Simple stuff like that. But not easy stuff. Not for me. Not yet. The more intentional I am, the more present, I recognize my emotions sooner and the relief comes sooner. But I run a lot of red lights still.

Thrift Store Robot

2008-06-12T23:31:00.000-05:00

Musings about electronic shooting robots...

I have watched this video of Bowie several times today, sometimes with Bowie in my lap, or Chris behind my shoulder, or simply by myself. I have all these feelings about how deeply I've changed in the past couple of years. I heard my voice, full of true joy for Bowie and his excitement about a noisy, plastic robot with a gun that he found at the thrift store today. I am finding peace by giving myself over to joy. I hear myself say "shooting" and "gun" without hesitation, without judgment and it honestly sort of surprises me because I know it has not been easy to trade my fears for joy. I didn't expect my home to be littered with plastic weapons and noisy remote controlled battery eating robots. I didn't WANT my home to be littered with plastic weapons and noisy remote controlled eating robots. But it often and increasing is a home to these things and I can now see them as part of Bowie's joy, part of his big, big world. I can now trust that he finds value everywhere he chooses to explore. I am beginning to trust that *I* can find value everywhere he chooses to explore by choosing to experience the joy instead of the fear.

And it helps that he still loves to sit beside a turtle pond for hours.

I appreciate the people that have contacted me about my blog. I am struggling with it. Feeling self aware. I am such a ruminator, such a writer, such an introvert that I am drawn to it in so many ways. But I am sensitive, thin skinned. And have been feeling especially vulnerable lately. Really what is at issue is my fear of judgment. I am trying to work it out.

returning to UT

2008-06-12T14:54:00.008-05:00

We live pretty close to the UT campus. Both Chris and I graduated from UT. We still like to hang out there, there's always interesting stuff to be found. Yesterday Bowie and I walked down to the bus stop and rode to the drag for breakfast bagels and ended up going all over campus and spending the entire day there. Fun! and exhausting.

We spent about 2 hours at the turtle pond. Friendly, hungry turtles kept swimming up to him and he commented, "They seem to be taking a liking to me." There is an enormous snapping turtle there. A nice young man chatted with Bowie through his whole lunch break and told him that the turtle is named Snappy.

Then we walked over to the East Campus to visit the memorial Museum (a favorite trip of Bowie's). It's small and free and he loves it.

We had our lunch in the Union building. Tired little boy asked if there was a hotel in there where he could rest! I told him on the 3rd floor there are cushy chairs for resting. He quietly hopped around the sleeping students for about an hour. Hee heee.

And then we made our way home, about 7 hours later. We didn't plan on being gone all day, it just flowed that way. Love our open, free days.

one moment of gratitude

2008-05-21T20:05:00.002-05:00

one moment of gratitude
Originally uploaded by autumn fawn

A few weeks ago, a talented flickr friend posted these polaroids and shared a project she was doing. So many people were inspired by Hailey that a group was started and now almost 200 people are participating in some sort of photographic meditation in gratitude. I am loving the way it effects my days, making sure I take time to notice how much I have gratitude for in our lives. And it's really amazing to see the commonality in the things for which people are grateful, as well as the uniqueness.

Beautifully Buzzed

2008-05-19T22:26:00.006-05:00

Here's my beautiful boy. He looks so vulnerable and strong at the same time. I see him as a golden buddha boy.

Bowie has become a complete fish. Swimming across the shallow bit of the pool, doing back flips over and over and over again, having Chris throw him up into the air and go completely submerged. It's totally amazing. Last week he was swimming, but with hesitation, attached to his wonderful snorkel. But ever since we went to the Y's pools with slides he's been loving going under with just goggles on. But he hated the way the googles caught in his hair, hated having to push his hair aside when coming up for air. A few days ago while we were in the pool Bowie said, "I decided not to grow my hair long. I decided to cut it every week with those buzzing cutters Papa uses." And he has been utterly set on this. We talked about how good it would feel when he's swimming and running. We talked about how his hair would grow back but not right away, that it was something he couldn't change his mind about. I did show him some cute cuts that were still very short and framed far from his eyes, but he wanted to do it at home like Papa.

And so today, I buzzed his beautiful golden waves onto the bathroom floor. He smiled and made faces and shook his hair as it transformed into different shapes. He curled his shoulders up to his chin as it tickled his ears and neck. And afterwards, he looked at himself in the mirror. A look of sadness came over him. He frowned, turned to me and jumped to my arms and said, "I want it all back the way it was right now." He knew it couldn't happen and it seemed that he was calmly but with some remorse accepting that feeling of loss and fear about change. I held him and just waited while he talked through it, whimpered and shed a few tears. When he seemed to have stilled a bit, I suggested that we go swim to feel what it's like with his hair short. He jumped in, popped up to the surface, and smiling said, "I feel better now. Now I am happy I cut my hair."

I too am happy he cut his hair. It makes me so happy to see him so happy. It makes me happy to hear so many people say how they see Chris in him now, those gorgeous lips and arched eyebrows. It makes me happy to see my boys both masked and horsing around in our pool after Chris gets home from work.

I will miss his silky waves. But I am awed by this boy and his clear vision of what he wants for himself, able to be sad so deeply and then effortlessly shift into joy as he celebrates what is and not what he was...my golden buddha boy sharing his lessons with me.

Sweetest Staying Up Late Boy Ever

2008-05-08T22:44:00.004-05:00

Last night I had some mama friends over for pool night (though nobody swam haa haaa) so tonight I was feeling really beat by the hottest day of the season and a long afternoon in the backyard. Bowie was dragging his feet but I could not wait any longer for sleep. So when Bowie said he wanted the lights on in his room, I said , "Okay. I am going to go in my room because I want to sleep and you know how I prefer a dark room for sleeping." He played in his room for a few minutes, then came to me saying he was hungry. I told him that he could get food for himself but that I was staying in bed. He said he was afraid of the dark. I reminded him that he can turn on the lights now. So he got his lantern, turned on the kitchen light, went to the fridge and got out yogurt, brought it to me to open, took it back to the dining room and ate it. I heard him ask, "Is it okay to open the trash can?" I answered, "Of course sweetie." He came into my bed and said, "I didn't want to wake you up with the loud trash can. I put my dirty spoon in the dishwasher mama. I opened it up, put it in the basket and shut the door. But I didn't press the button to turn it on because I wanted to be quiet and the dishwasher is very noisy." He flipped around on the bed a bit then said, "Is the flusher loud in here?" I told him it wasn't too loud in the bedroom and asked if he needed to go potty. He said, "Yep" and jumped off the bed and across the hall to potty. I heard him in there, one time passing gas and I heard this little, "Excuse me." I smiled with my eyes shut tight in my dark comfy room, thinking about what a wonderful little soul this boy has. He returned, curled up next to me and fell right to sleep. Sure there are the demanding moments, the angry and seemingly unreasonable moments (on both sides), he is full of all these real emotions and experimenting with communication. But the caring boy that took care of himself quietly and politely so that I could sleep...he lightens my heart and fills me with trust. Thank you sweet boy. I am counting this night as a Mama's day gift.

This photo is from a few nights ago. His self chosen dinner...naked in his camp chair, a box of cherry tomatoes, half an apple and half a pint of strawberries. Just in case I was feeling odd about the whole child size pizza and 2 cookies from Mandola's that were his lunch; he ALWAYS shows me that I can trust him to know what he needs!

Growth not Guilt

2008-04-27T21:23:00.003-05:00

I've been struggling the past few days after Bowie's 4-year wellcheck appointment. He hasn't gone to the doctor much. I'd say 4 times. We've been blessed with good health and we have a lifestyle that allows us to let colds, ringworm, and ear infections (he had one a couple of years ago) run their course with minimal intervention. But I hoped that going to the doctor at regular times of wellbeing would be a good way to build up feelings of safety in the event that we do ever need a doctor's help. Fear based thinking...should have known.

Well, we talked about it as the day approached. Bowie pretended to be the doctor, looking in my ears and mouth with his flashlight. We got up and had breakfast kolaches (one of his favorites) and all went together to the office, sat in the lobby and looked at magazines. No problem. But when his name was called, Bowie went to hide behind Chris and covered his face. Oh my, I don't know if I can write this all out because it makes me too sad to spell out every sign that Chris and I ignored. But I am trying to go beyond that place of guilt and get to the growth...

Well, he flipped out. He eventually calmed down enough to speak to the doctor for a bit. The exam was a sham. He wouldn't participate at all. As we walked out of the office, Chris and I just said, "We should have just left." We should have listened to him. Why didn't we? Chris and I are both "yes" people. And I take a long time to absorb and respond. So we failed Bowie there. He told us so clearly that he didn't want to be there, yet we stayed. We achieved exactly the opposite of what we hoped for but most disappointingly, we did not keep the strength of our family relationship as our guide.

I've spent three days working through this. Trying to get past the guilt and using this experience to know that I will not ever fail Bowie in that way again. I will listen and know that his trust is worth more than the $65 fee, more than the opinion of the doctor, more than hearing a stranger say that my son is healthy when I know full well that he just perfect.

Castle in the City

2008-04-15T10:46:00.009-05:00

Oh, there are so many fun photos from Medieval Times. You may have seen it driving through Dallas on I-35. Didn't ever look like much to me. But as Bowie began to develop his interests in knights and weapons, I saw it differently. Magically. Bowie said, "There is a castle in the CITY!" His sweet grandma chose to make her grandson happy for her birthday...and we all had a weirdly wonderful time. Much people watching, beer drinking, shouting and shushing (Chris loved to shout "BOO!!!!!" at the other knights, especially the red knight who I found especially charming), eating with hands (no forks or spoons), flag waving, giggling...

My mother-in-law's favorite moment was when they announced the birthdays, "Sean is 8 years old. Alma is celebrating an undisclosed birthday. And Karen is 62 years old!" When my hubbie set up the birthday greeting he showed that he doesn't really understand some things about women...we whooped and hollered! And again I announce it here, heee heeee. Hey, age is something to be proud of, right?!

The costume...I bought it after Halloween at 75% off from Garnet Hill. Isn't it amazing? I kept it a secret until the right time, and this was most definitely the right place and time. The cape was a favorite gift from Grandma Karen. Everyone was watching Bowie as he walked into the hall. The other kids pointed him out, people smiled and stopped to talk to him. I was expecting him to want to get out of it, but 3 hours into it he was still dressed top to bottom.

Something I love about the way I've changed my life in the past couple of years is that I can see joy and beauty in a place that I previously would have wanted to avoid. I can see it for the amazing spectacle that Bowie sees, and that is so good. This has affected my life in a very profound way, opening my life up to happiness in almost any circumstance. This was an easy one!

Medieval Times

2008-04-14T23:38:00.008-05:00

Oh what a fun fun weekend with the Grandfolks in Dallas. We were treated to dinner at Medieval Times

I will fill in the details and share more of the heartmelting adorable photos of Bowie all decked out in his finery soon. But this wench is tired from a day's toil and off to slumber I must.

Swim

2008-04-08T23:16:00.009-05:00

This water boy...he was born into the water. And then we took him to the local municipal pool when he was 5 weeks old. He seemed to love it from the start, enjoying the weightlessness that must have recalled the womb (though surely those last few weeks in there he didn't have room for any floating seeing as he seemed to be wedged in there pretty well). We dreamed of being one of those water baby families, submerged and swimming newborns. He sputtered and didn't seem to mind too much, but it certainty wasn't instantaneous mastery or comfort. We enrolled in a YMCA class when he turned one and he happily splashed along with the little songs and blew bubbles. But a year later, he wanted nothing to do with the class. All he wanted to do was jump from the edge into his Papa's arms...so that is what they did, the instructor trying to reengage them but they had their own agenda.

The last month of swimming before the cold weather came last October Bowie was beginning to swim. He had spent the whole summer saying that he'd rather be in the wading pools, choosing to float and submerge himself in the 3 feet deep waters while I pined for the cool deeper waters. I saw children forced into the water, crying and trying to climb up their parents and knew that I had to wait for Bowie to be ready, even as I felt like those shallow waters were simmering around me. I could see how much confidence and comfort he had in those waters, wearing goggles and reaching down with his face under water to retrieve diving toys. He would hold his breath and float. All on his own. No lessons or guidance from me.

And then we discovered the amazing outdoor pool at one of the suburban YMCA's. As soon as he saw the water slide, he was more than willing to go deep. The life guards allowed us to wait down at the end of it to catch him. Initially, Chris stood right there catching him up nearly immediately. I suggested he pause a second or two. We continued to gradually increase the time he was in the water before scooping him up. We went again the next day. I stepped a few steps back. And I saw that he could kick himself up to the surface. So I paused and stepped back, and he would get his head above water on his own. And then in ever so tiny increments, I'd extend the time before pulling him to me, both of us laughing and smiling, him shouting and coughing out, "Again!" Within that week he was swimming up to me and then to the ladder. I was always in arms reach, always reached out if I saw his hand searching for mine.

And when we moved into our house in the fall, we swam here in our very cold pool for about 2 weeks before things got frigid, even for a little boy that loves to swim. He must have leapt into the deep end and swam to me then over to the step at least 200 times. I remember seeing how hard it was for him, how he'd sputter and spit and gasp, yet it was so joyful for him. I really connected this to unschooling. I was seeing how none of it was scary, none of it needed to be coerced out of him, none of it was even encouraged and all of it was his own desire and my willingness to observe and support him.

Twice Bowie fell into the pool between swim seasons. The first time I was right beside him and pulled him out right away. The second time I was gardening and he was on the other side of the pool, watching the pool vacuum. He leaned too far over and went in head first. It only took a moment to get over to him, but he was treading water, his face above water catching his breath. He cried about his gardening boots that had slipped off and were on the bottom of the pool. I stayed calm and we talked about how he had been able to keep his head up, how he had been close enough to grab the edge, what he could do if he fell in again. It was is favorite story to share for days.

Late in the winter we stayed at a hotel with a pool thinking how much fun Bowie would have. Well, he was wary of the deep end again. Chris kept trying to lure him, playfully, but Bowie wouldn't bite. I reminded Chris that it might take him awhile to build up his comfort again. We couldn't assume that he's in the same place he was a few months ago. Our first few swims at home this spring, Bowie clung to us. He held on with his hands and feet.

I held him and reassured him that I wouldn't let go until he told me he was ready. I told him that he should only be in the water when and where he feels safe. He started to enjoy the steps and floating on rafts. He fell off a raft twice one afternoon, again able to keep his head above water and this time grabbed the raft to steady himself while Chris got to him. Chris smiled at him, reacting in a joyful, calm way.

And then we got a noodle at the pool supply store on Saturday. He immediately seemed to feel so confident with it. He jumped into the water, would get completely submerged and then, in his own words, "Pop up to the surface!" I had read and heard that noodles weren't too hindering to the process of learning to swim, unlike arm bands and life jackets ( we never used any of those items..if he had wanted to I guess we would have tried them but I never wanted to impart that he needed them to be safe). And I could see why the noodle was recommended. It didn't hold his full weight. He held it under his arms and his body would float in a horizontal fashion, rather that the vertical flotation of other swim devices. He loved it and felt totally safe with it and swam across the pool with his noodle tucked under his arms.

The past 2 evenings he put his snorkel on and swam over the steps to the shallow end, noodle free. Tonight, after swimming with the noodle all day, he spent the last hour swimming all over the shallow end with his snorkel and mask. Initially he sort of jerked himself around, legs dangling down. But he seemed to understand that if he raised his legs up behind him that he'd make more forward movement, and by bedtime he was really looking like a swimmer. Chris and I grinned ear to ear, cheered him on, swam near him but he was adamant that he did NOT want to be touched while he was swimming.

I am so thankful to him for constantly giving me the lesson of trust. There can be a lot of fear associated with water, for parents perhaps more so than children. But over and over again, he shows me that I can trust him, that I can trust the world to unfold and for us to grow and learn as we live in it.

Birds Barbershop

2008-04-03T13:39:00.007-05:00

Two days ago Bowie said he wanted to get his hair cut, to get it out of his eyes. I told him we could go where I go, Birds. I couldn't bear the idea of going to a place and them cutting it so short again, and I knew that the stylists there would understand what we wanted. And they did. Vanessa is a mama of a boy herself and she was great with him as he sat through his second haircut. He made silly faces at himself in the mirror and tried to stay still though forgetting occasionally. Afterwards he "played" on their awesome circa 80s arcade game...donky kong, galaga, and pac man. On our way to the car, he held my hand and happily chirped, "Everytime my hair gets long in my eyes I will come to this hair cutting place and cut it."

When I posted the first picture on flickr, I got an enormous amount of interest in his adorable shirt (which yes I chose with exactly the image of him in front of the neon in my mind). It is made by ramonster, an Austin based clothing designer. We can't leave the house without people asking us about it. It's size 2T and I am still saying it fits...

Autumn fawn photography

2008-03-29T15:01:00.005-05:00

Perhaps this will help explain my absence from the blog...Autumn fawn photography

I am so excited about sharing this passion with other families. And nervous about how I will balance my life but I know that if I want it, we can make it work. Wish me luck!

Time Passes On

2008-03-26T09:10:00.002-05:00

Last week was Chris and my sister's birthday (the SAME day!) and the following day was my grannie's 80th birthday. We went up to Lubbock this weekend for party celebrated by all of her 5 children and some of her grandchildren and Bowie represented her great grandkids. A long life...puts my 35 years and Bowie's 3 and 3/4 years in perspective. Sometimes I feel so defined in who I am and Bowie seems so big, but there is so much more ahead of us, world willing.

Bowie loves her shell, glass, and rock collections. So many pretties to look at and touch and balance.

Poop..Too Much Info

2008-03-06T13:49:00.003-06:00

I won't scar anyone with photos of this. But Bowie poops in the backyard. It's barley 40 degrees, raining, thundering and he goes outside and poops on the grass. He's been doing this about a week now. About once or twice a day. Sometimes we bag it up the way we do with Tuba's little mounds. Sometimes Tuba beats us to it and she cleans it up; I wonder if she prefers cat or human turds?

I KNOW this is gross. I feel actually quite gross writing about it. But it's real. And we mamas need real stories so that when our children say that they want to take a dump on the turf, we won't feel so crazy. We'll know this too will pass (excuse the pun), that it won't make the dog sick, and it will serve us well on camping trips.

Boy's Dog

2008-03-05T20:59:00.008-06:00

For awhile now, Bowie has been sleeping with Tuba's bed next to his. One day he said that he wanted Tuba's bed in his room. He pulled it from our bedroom across the hall to his room. We weren't feeling really confident that Tuba would settle in there. But she did. She's been sleeping in there ever since, waits at Bowie's door to be let in if Bowie is already asleep in there.

Bowie took this Polaroid of Tuba. We just ordered 8 packs of film after hearing that Polaroid was
discontinuing instant film production. We really should order more. He can blow through a whole pack really quickly.

And the photo of them together, Bowie wrapped his arm around Tuba's neck and asked me to take a picture of them. What a grin! And what a patient doggie. Tuba is almost 10 years old. But she runs and runs herself. She's an obsessive fetcher. Today we took her out hiking and swimming and she didn't tire a bit while out there...but has been completely pooped all evening.

Random Thoughts

2008-03-04T08:42:00.004-06:00

"Disney is a nickname for previews and commercials. I don't like previews and commercials. Not ever."

"Happy Gun Day!"

"Only papas go to work?"

Some random recent quotes from Bowie. Funny boy.

Too Busy

2008-02-21T22:59:00.003-06:00

Generally, I don't like to be busy. I like stillness. But my passions are stirring me on well past my bedtimes. A very exciting personal goal of mine is coming to fruition soon! But I am at the computer more than I like and when I pull myself away I realize that I have so many photos and stories to share...but can't bear to sit at the keyboard another moment.

Well tonight is Chris's band rehearsal night so I'll take a few more moments to tell you about a great little online press called blurb. I didn't motivate to make photo advent calendars for the grandfolks this year after the move and have felt sad about that for months. And I've got hundreds and hundreds of edited photos and can barely imagine myself putting together albums...so I decided to make a book with some of my photos. You can check out a little sample of it here. I just threw it together and it was so easy with the templates. Of course now I am burning to make something better and more beautiful...with some of my journalling included and larger files (rather than my flickr files). But I am so glad I went ahead and did it. My mom cried today when I gave it to her. Make your own today!

Beautiful Mess

2008-02-18T22:15:00.007-06:00

Remember doing this? It's so fun...the spontaneity and mystery of how it will end up is so addicting. I found one of these for just $12 this morning and Bowie made 5 of them this afternoon. Then carried around the machine forever turning it on and off.

I think this is a totally great activity for 3-4 year olds. It is so much about process and surprise. Bowie kept looking at them saying, "They all are different." He calls them, "the beautiful messes." The directions called for glitter to be sprinkled on them with the machine off, but immediately he knew he wanted to sprinkle it on while spinning. Glitter dusted the table and floor but he got the hand vacuum and cleaned up after himself (the dust vac is also a totally great activity for 3-4 year olds...after cutting, while I'm vacuuming, after a messy snack). Can't wait to make more tomorrow!

Our unschooling day:
*Wake up and watch Deep Sea IMAX (talked about it several times through the day)
*Go to Gattitown...for over 2 hours. He loves this place! Being really present with him to see what he loves about it is how I survive and even manage to enjoy it in the end. 2 years ago I couldn't imagine feeling right about taking him there, but I don't fear it anymore.
*Tuesday Morning next door...walk all the aisles. He picked up so many glass and ceramic items. And put each back, "where I found it." I love that we can do this together now. Find the spin art!! Bowie examines a big Robot (went to a robotics demonstration at a local high school last weekend), a fleet of rescue vehicles, a tank, a racing helmet, water guns, water guns, and finally a laser type gun which we agree to get...except that he wants a candy bar (at Gattitown we decided that rather than pay $1 to play a game and maybe wind a candy bar to go to the dollar stare next door and get one for sure for half a dollar but got sidetracked here) so he puts the gun back happily.
*Go the the dollar store where he chooses a snickers. As soon as we walk out the door he asks me to open it, he takes one bite caramel trailing from his hand to his mouth, and gives it to me asking me to throw it away because he doesn't like it so much. He amazes me, that he didn't feel upset in the least. He said, "I would prefer that it be ALL chocolate."
*Come home and make 5 spin art creations. Clean up.
*Work picking up sticks in the backyard, cleaning the pool, weeding...Bowie helps and investigates. He finds an empty snail shell. He cleans it at least 4 times. He finds a living snail and puts it in his observation box. We google "snail diet". Put some of the weeds into the box. He wants to see it eat then set it free.
*We dance to my valentine's day ipod playlist while I fold laundry (which he helped me to put into the washer and dryer). We listened to "Reach Out, I'll Be There" at least 10 times. He's been loving that song for about 2 weeks now. MUST find the damn power cord for the video camera!
*Sit on the couch together, leaning on each other as we wait for Papa to come home...I sing along to Jill Scott, Jeff Buckley, REM. I love to sing and he's very kind audience.
*Papa!!!!!

Anyway, I write this all out because sometimes I am just amazed at the weird diversity of our day. And to remind myself of how far we've come in this pursuit of joy in our family...candy bars and Gattitown don't fit what I had "wanted" for our son. But the magic of riding along in his joy is SO much better than any of my preconceived desires for him.

I also write this because in the past 2 weeks I have received 3 really touching emails from people who have been silently reading here or looking at my photos on flickr. My motivations for writing this blog vary constantly...the personal need to document this life, sharing with family and friends that don't get to see us as much as we'd all like, soul searching and reflection about our family, and the one I have struggled with a bit...the relationship with the reader. I sometimes wonder if I want to continue sharing so publicly. But when I know that someone reads this, sees how I see the beauty of our family and it connects with or inspires them, I know that this is good. And I know how much I've gained from so many people sharing publicly. I have my wee tribe around me but this is a broader tribe that I value as well...thanks to everyone sharing your stories out there.

Safe Hand Positioning

2008-02-07T22:18:00.001-06:00

Correct Hand Positioning
Originally uploaded by autumn fawn

Today I posted this photo of Bowie cutting up apples for applesauce on flickr. Someone wrote me asking about unschooling and it was a chance to spend sometime being reflective about it. Here are some of the things I wrote in response to her interest:

"I was a teacher, toddlers to 3rd grade, public school and private Montessori. So I am in process with that (unschooling myself), as you can imagine. But one of the most amazing things is that this unschooling approach actually feels the closest to the things in my education that really excited me: the journals, the child portfolios, the book clubs, all the stuff we studied called “authentic” learning through authentic tasks. I was on fire with passion for all of that. By having so much time to live life together, we are doing all of these authentic tasks driven by authentic interest . I don’t often come to Bowie in the morning with the tasks in mine. Leaving our days open allows us to really dig deep into whatever our interests are (for instance making the grocery list together, discovering that Bowie wants to make applesauce, looking up the recipe to add ingredients to our list, going grocery shopping, cooking it, enjoying it, photographing it, reliving it through the pictures and telling people about the experience, etc.)

This quote really captures what feels so right about it to me:

“ ...if the child is left to himself, he will think more and better, if less showily. Let him go and come freely, let him touch real things and combine his impressions for himself, instead of sitting indoors at a little round table, while a sweet-voiced teacher suggests that he build a stone wall with his wooden blocks, or make a rainbow out of strips of coloured paper, or plant straw trees in bead flower-pots. Such teaching fills the mind with artificial associations that must be got rid of, before the child can develop independent ideas out of actual experience." -- Anne Sullivan

Well there I go on and on…but I imagine that you get the idea that I love it for our family."

And this:

"And I totally relate to your desire to make childhood magical. What I never imagined was how magical it would make all of our lives. It allows me to learn and meet my needs as well. Now don't imagine that we don't have our hard moments, even hard days. We ARE living life here!"

I am in such an early stage of unschooling. There are many areas in which I have yet to give myself over to the flow. But I accept it joyfully in the places that it natural fills and I give attention to areas that are damned up as I begin to trust my need for it there. I am filled with the anticipation for our future and so utterly in the joy of each day in a way that I have never been.

Why Not?

2008-02-04T20:29:00.000-06:00

The radical unschooling lifestyle has so impacted us. Now, "Why not?" comes to us naturally in most situations. And that opens our lives up to freedom and creativity and mutual respect.

Yesterday was warm and sunny and we were wishing that our pool water was warmer (60 is too cold to sound really appealing if you ask me). I said jokingly, "We could go canoeing in the pool." But Bowie didn't see the joke, he saw the opportunity. So we did. All of us took turns, Bowie practiced getting in and out and in and out and paddling. What fun! And then my boys decided that they would like to swim and went in their shorts. Why not? I did however say it was too cold for me.

A Few Recent Favorites

2008-01-30T15:19:00.001-06:00

I've spent this month developing a love affair with my new camera and the light in and around our home. I haven't taken this many photos in a long time. Bowie indulges me. We make win/win agreements. Yesterday when he was saying he wanted me to set up his bouncy house and I was saying that I wanted to take a few photos of him he said, "I care about your feelings and what you want Mama." My dear dear boy. During a trying day of emotional interactions, he gives me this gift. I've really been pushing myself with my photo editting as well, using different actions and textures in Photoshop and applying presets in Adoble Camera Raw. I even made my first simple action! I am not naturally computer savvy, so learning these things really must be a conscious task on my part.

Sharing Passions II

2008-01-15T13:49:00.001-06:00

When I met Bowie's papa he was drumming in 2 bands, had his drumset in his living room, practiced almost everyday, played at least a show a week. When I began feeling the need to have a baby in our family, he asked me to wait a couple of years. He said that he wasn't ready to be the papa he knew he would want to be. So I waited and was part of his rock and roll lifestyle, happily and willingly but tapping my fingers nonetheless. (We now smile upon the weary childless couples we see barely rising for their first meal at 2pm while we have been going full stop since 7am.) The time came when he was ready. And Bowie came. And shows got cut, and rehearsals dwindled down, and the band wanted to tour and...now Chris plays once a week with some other rock loving papas (and one single rock loving lady) and recently he splurged on an electric drumset so that he could practice at home (which in our new home is placed next to Bowie's own set). He has two headsets so that Bowie can listen in while he shows off. It is really impressive. I fill with more, more love for him as I see him do what he loves and then overflow as I see him sharing it with Bowie.

As with my photography, we aren't invested in him following us and our passions, but we are sure that him seeing us do what we love will lead him to do what he loves.

Loving Cousins

2008-01-14T10:30:00.001-06:00

Yesterday was a beautiful cool day so we went to the zoo with my parents and Bowie's older cousin Honey. My family went to this zoo a lot when I was a child. I have a lot of good memories there and it was fun to be sharing that again with my folks. The lions roared, the snow leopard was fluffed up, the grizzly bear was watching us watch him, the python was slithering, the sun was shining, the air was crisp and we ended the day at a greasy spoon. Honey and Bowie sat next to each other and my favorite moment of the day happened here.

Honey said, "Bowie, I fell in love with you." She looked at him, repeating and smiling, repeating and batting her eyelashes. Bowie finally answered, "Honey, I care about how you feel." OH the silly sweetness still fills me.

Sharing Passions

2008-01-10T21:41:00.000-06:00

Lately Bowie has really been enjoying photography. Since I now have 2 bodies, Bowie has been using my d70 some. He changes composition vertically and horizontally. He asks for the light lens when he sees that I've put on the zoom. And he says, "You are gonna love these." while watching the playback. It's so fun to be sharing one of my great passions with him. Really looking forward to seeing how this evolves. I promised that I'd adjust the neck strap to fit him.

Moving In and Getting Messy

2008-01-03T23:31:00.001-06:00

Bowie is getting really into messy independent play in his room. It's fun! Lots of rediscovery of old toys. It can be a real struggle for me to keep my order needs in check. It's his space. These objects are only valuable if he uses them. Sometimes I just have to walk away so that I won't interfere with requests for things to be put away. Other times I can shed those control tendencies by getting out my camera. Through the viewfinder I can see how interesting, beautiful, and meaningful these messy playtimes are in a way that can sometimes elude me.

Loving his new room so much. A few weeks ago I woke up in Bowie's bed (he has a full size platform so that we can be comfortable together in either bedroom) and very first thing he said was, "This place is so lovely. Thank you for buying this house." I just glowed with happiness for us all. We are so lucky.

Monster Towel

2007-12-28T00:18:00.001-06:00

The thing I most looked forward to giving to Bowie this year was this hooded towel. It is made with a thick terry. It is fun. It is handmade! He loves getting wrapped up in towels but gets frustrated when they fall off. When I saw this I knew that he would love it. And he does. It gives him comfort and inspires him, what a combination.

I will need to add some sort of tie or snap at the collar to really ensure that it stays on but otherwise I find it perfect. The edges unraveled at bit at first washing but I think it gives it a welcome soft look. The price is hefty, but I am glad the money went to something beautiful and made with creativity.

If you need your own...Mayhar Drygoods

Christmas at Home

2007-12-26T19:40:00.000-06:00

This is the first time Chris and I have awoken in our own home for Christmas. I have been waiting and waiting for this day with my child. I do enjoy the extended family Christmas too, but the intimate, quiet morning with my child and husband was one of the best Christmas mornings ever. We stayed up late the night before being the Christmas elves setting up his new domino race set (totally inspired by all the domino racing we did at Thanksgiving) so that when he woke up and came into the living room he'd see this magical, colorful maze with bridges and bell. He then leisurely opened his 4 wrapped gifts and opened his stocking. It really warmed our hearts to see how interested and appreciative he was of each one. Perhaps the DK Ultimate Star Wars book was his favorite. Or the handmade (sadly, not by me) monster cape towel may have been the fave...time will tell. And looking out the window when setting up his Rainbow Maker I saw the surprise gift that Chris had been hinting at for a couple of weeks- a bike for me and a trailer bike for Bowie. We have been riding everyday since.

Our evening and afternoon was shared with my mom, sis, niece nephew and mom's family. It's wonderful to have the energy of the children at these events. And we are so lucky to have so much family near us. As the day grew longer, Bowie said at one point, "I've had enough presents." I wonder if we'll ever hear those words again?

Snow

2007-12-16T20:01:00.001-06:00

A wonderfully crafty friend of mine (who I believe has even met Martha Stewart herself, who is inspiring and infuriating all at the same time to me) had a little snow globe making shindig. So fun. So fun. He chose two snowmen and a trumpet, clear and blue glitter. I did that gluing and such but he had this real true felling of having made something. Wonderful. He held it and looked at it all day. I had to make my own at home. Not perfect. Not Martha. But fun nonetheless. And good for my perfectionist tendencies...to just enjoy the process, for Bowie to see me making something that isn't perfect but is still full of joy and magic.

Play With Me

2007-12-15T17:09:00.000-06:00

I have a new camera. The Nikon D300. It looks to be wonderful and intimidating as well. I want to learn it through and through to utilize all the benefits. But I need to update my computer a bit to work with the RAW files. I haven't played around with it much yet. Reading the manual still. But I do know that I love the 51 focal points! And I may stray from manual a bit since the exposure programs seem quite good.

Bowie and I played and played Thursday afternoon in his room. It gets beautiful afternoon light. He let me take pictures of what I wanted in exchange for many many photos of him with his pillow case on his head. I can't share those photos here though because that was all he had on, besides a necklace. Oh, and fingernail polish. Hee hee heeeee. We've painted his nails twice this week. Love my boy. The joy and silliness and openness.

The Snail that Broke His Heart

2007-12-13T10:15:00.000-06:00

Bowie took such good care of this snail for a whole morning. He brought it snacks of leaves and observed it...he said it was the most special, beautiful snail ever. But some electricians that came over stepped on it and Bowie was inconsolable for over an hour. Later that night we was telling his papa about it and said that it broke his heart. 5 days later, he is still talking about being sad...

but not so sad that when given the opportunity to make a wish at a penny fountain that his wish was for a mean alien as a pet rather than a whole snail again.

A Civilized Prehistoric Turtle

2007-11-30T19:50:00.001-06:00

...that's what he saw carved there. My word! I didn't press the six flippers discrepancy.

Turn Turn Turn

2007-11-26T20:29:00.000-06:00

Time has been turning on and on here. We have been traveling for the past two weeks. First to Illinois for Chris' grandma's memorial service and them "camping" for Thanksgiving. It has been strange to have been away so much this first month here in our new home. So much to process, to enjoy, to remember.

Here is Bowie at the edge of the Mississippi. This was his great grandparents' front yard. His grandpa grew up in the house that was built by hand and bit by bit when cash was available. His papa spent every summer here. Great grandpa Duard's ashed were spilled into this river at this spot 8 years ago. Although great grandma Betty moved out of the house afterward, we all assembled there again so that her ashes could mingle with her husband's in the river that they both loved so much. I read Margaret Wise Brown's The Dead Bird to Bowie a couple of times during this trip and he was definitely working through what it meant to be dead, what it meant to miss someone. Although he only met her a few times, he said that he loved her and that she loved him. After the service he took the microphone from the pulpit and said over and over again (volume off) that he loved her and was sad she was dead. Then he sang Iron Maiden's Number of the Beast (HA!)

One day at home to unpack and pack again before heading out for a chilly Thanksgiving. The past 9 years we have camped all but 2. This year we didn't think we could swing the preparation needed (not to mention find all the necessary equipment in our many unopened boxes from the move.) So we were so lucky to be invited to spend the holiday at a wilderness education ranch Chris' mom's school has. My folks came out and we had 400 acres to ourselves (cows, horses and dogs shared it with us.) It was wonderful. A huge lodge, big kitchen, fireplaces all ever the place, ping pong table, games,...and all the grandparents together! We had so many amazing meals (my inlaws love to cook.) We hiked everyday. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. No presents, no commercialism, just family and good food and, for us, always the presence of nature.

The first night we got back we drove by our former house to see it has already been reduced to a massive pile of rubble. It was late at night and we could hardly see so I thought maybe Bowie didn't know where we were or what we were seeing but he did. He said, "Our house was cut down." He was not upset at all. I, on the other hand, felt in shock for a few hours. But to all things there is a season. A time to end and to begin.

Moving On

2007-11-08T22:16:00.001-06:00

We have our closing for our old house tomorrow. Today Bowie and I went to say goodbye. I touched the walls of each room and said thanks for the shelter, the memories, the lives we lived there. I touched the spot of the floor where Bowie was born and cried. This house will be torn down and new one built there. I have some sadness about that to be sure. But we are so thrilled with our new home that I really can walk away with more joy than regret.

All Time Favorite Night

2007-11-01T23:17:00.001-05:00

Hurray, Bowie's favorite time of year. Hmm, how we he say it, "Halloween is my all time favorite night." He loved every aspect of it. Carving the pumpkin.

Early trick or treating (when he still wore the horns, they lasted about an hour).

And partying and trick or treating in our new wonderful neighborhood. Such a treat to see so many families out, having fun and making joy! I was smiling all night and I'd forget that my face was painted until I caught a curious or cautious gaze. Our great friends a couple of blocks away had their second annual Halloween party. SO fun. I took homemade Butternut Squash and Apple Soup. We pulled to the party in our wagon. Total bliss for me. Last year we left that party with me saying that we had to move over here. And here we are.

Saddly, Bowie's great grandma in Illinois passed October 31. She had just turned 89. We will miss her.

Out of the Old, Into the New

2007-10-21T20:35:00.000-05:00

We move tomorrow. Out of this house, the house in which I have lived the longest in my life, the house were love, marriage, baby happened. Out of summer, the first day we swam in our new pool but perhaps the last warm day of the year. Tonight I shed a few tears about leaving this place. But I also felt like the luckiest person in the world to be swimming in my new backyard with my big, beautiful, happy son. I can be sad and happy at the same time.

The Quiet Blogging Mama

2007-10-11T16:08:00.000-05:00

Last week I decided that I wanted to be living a little less virtually. I wrote a letter to Bowie rather than write in my blog. I told him how he's been saying recently, "Mama, I want to go everywhere your breasties go." Hee heeeee. He'll get a laugh out of that one day. But I hope he never feels any shame about it. I don't. It's the first place of comfort he found in this world and I simply see it no other way. I also have been doing lots and lots of thinking and reading, mostly about radical unschooling (unschooling in relation to the law of attraction.) It's been so transforming and perplexing and freeing. I am so grateful for a life that allows us to ebb and flow, grow and grow. I also am thinking and feeling a lot about this choice I've made to be so public with our lives. In my heart, I think it's good in many ways. So many mamas reaching out to each other, sharing and growing together. And it's been amazing for me as a photographer as well. But...well I'm trying to identify my concerns and I'm just laying low for a while so I don't feel hurried.

Nonetheless, I hope you enjoy this photo of Bowie. He is in full anticipation of Halloween mode lately. We went to the party store yesterday and he chose red hairspray for his costume. He had to try it out this morning. Then he painted my face this afternoon (sorry no photo of the bushy black eyebrows and red streak from my lips into my nostril and out to my cheek).

Snakie

2007-10-04T22:29:00.001-05:00

Bowie's dear snakie. For about a week he was the beloved toy. Went to Barton Springs, the grocery store, the park. Bowie held him curled in his lap, on his wrists, his neck.

And now snakie lies underfoot in the car. The love is so intense and short. He sometimes returns to these loves. Rediscovers an old passion. Maybe one day, he'll look back on these photos and rediscover these loves of his life.

Asleep Again

2007-09-20T22:25:00.001-05:00

Asleep Again
Originally uploaded by autumn fawn

Hmmmm, I'm in one of my internal times. We are having wonderfully unscheduled days with lots of freedom so that when we get the call to vacate our house to show it (hoping someone sees some of what we've loved about our home) we can happily go out without feeling rushed and put upon. I am also doing lots of thinking about unschooling, the law of attraction, reading a new book Killing Monsters. And just loving my crazy , beautiful boy so! Life is quiet (not sure if that's the right word, something more like flowing) and good here. May it be so with yours.

Busy

2007-09-17T13:28:00.000-05:00

Been very busy with work and fun here. Not sitting at the computer much these days. Chris and I had a great time at ACL. Yo la Tengo ripped it up and had the crowd loving it despite the noon day sun on our necks. I've seen them three times and two of their shows are on my all time top 10 list. We took a break in the heat of the day to walk to a local dinner and movie theater to see Balls of Fire. It was so awesome to be in a black air conditioned room sipping glass after glass of water and indulging in a root beer float. We made it back for Wilco/My Morning Jacket. Why they were booked simultaneously is a mystery to everyone. Frankly, I wish we'd spent more time with My Morning Jacket. I love Wilco. Love their new album. One of their shows that we saw In New Orleans during Jazz Fest at the Howling Wolf is in my top 3 concerts. But I've seen them 3 times since and never seen that energy again. My Morning Jacket on the other hand, is always exuberant. I really loved the Decemberists as well. Couldn't help but sing along. But they are a band that is better suited for a small stage. I wish they'd hook up with someone in theater if they continue arena type festivals. Their songs are so theatrical, I can really imagine a huge puppet show or play behind them.

Bowie went to Sea World with my folks. Sounds like he had a great time. It's still bit strange that we had separate weekends, made our own memories. But so good too. Bowie did go Friday night and enjoyed the festival experience as much as Bjork, who I would not have missed for the world, though we did leave early because Bowie was ready to go. I told him I really wanted to see if she played "I Miss You" and he agreed, so I got to hear one of my favorites before heading out. I wish we could have been up closer because I know he'd really connect with her crazy style.

We also are trying to sell our house. Had an open house yesterday. Must be ready to leave with the dog at the drop of a hat, so must keep the house in showing shape at all times. Time to turn on the anal! This morning Bowie said he wanted to make a mess, poor dear.

Austin City Limits

2007-09-16T10:29:00.001-05:00

09_15_07_04
Originally uploaded by myguerrilla

This photo was taken by myguerilla. Found it on flcikr. Maybe I'll catch some good shots today. Our third day at the festival...Bjork and Arcade Fire were amazing. Really looking forward to the Decemberists and Yo La Tengo today.

Eight

2007-09-11T13:28:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was my birthday, so a bit of nostalgia I ran across while packing- a scan of a scan of me as a baby.

I was tagged by my friend Leah. We both share a love of wind through trees, photography, chocolate, and being mamas.

| the rules |

post the rules before you give the facts. post eight random facts about yourself. at the end of your blog post, you need to tag eight people and list their names. leave the people you tagged a comment on their blog, letting them know that they've been tagged.

leah's lilypad

I can get a perfect score at the "hard" level of Karaoke Revolution on Cyndi Lauper's Time After Time. Close on "expert" but not perfect yet.

My big toe is the tallest of my toes.

I am reading Behind the Scenes at the Museum right now. I like it!

I plan on getting my first tattoo soon. Don't know what yet.

My bellybutton is an innie.

I love historical romance movies and books...even trashy ones.

I sleep on the left side of the bed.

I hate cleaning toilets.

I might break the rules and skip the tagging bit. I'm a bad blogging gamer.

Frankenstein

2007-09-06T15:14:00.001-05:00

I'm sick with a throat and ear infection and poor Bowie has been a bit bored. So we went to the park this morning. He wanted to wear his "Frankenstein" costume that we bought last year during the after Halloween half off sales. He said it was Frankenstein then and I didn't correct him. He still doesn't know anything abotu Frankenstein other than he's worked out that he's some sort of monster. Now that he's very interested in comic book characters, I suspect he'll figure out soon that this costume is meant to be the Hulk. He ran and ran and jumped and climbed, keeping himself busy and letting me watch. Love that boy.

The Lost Horn of Africa

2007-09-05T23:38:00.001-05:00

We have just started the process of packing up our house. We are moving. We are all sad about it sometimes, sad to go and sad about the work of it. But there are some strange rewards, such as finding forgotten things. This is a drinking horn from Cameroon. It is fascinating to Bowie for obvious reasons.

Dear Anonymous

2007-08-30T22:46:00.000-05:00

Dear Anonymous, I appreciate your comment yesterday. These experiences give me the opportunity to reflect and confirm or reflect and alter my parenting beliefs. I hope this doesn't come across as defensive, but well, I do have very strong beliefs about what you wrote. I think we are simply coming from differing premises.

"It just seems that if he knows that he doesn't have to [do] anything really hard for him, he won't experience that pride that comes from accomplishing something really difficult."

I agree that effort is so important. But I find that life is naturally full of these situations. He mastered crawling, walking, signing, talking, riding a bike, memorizing books, playing drums...see where I'm going with this? So I don't see the need to keep him in a situation that isn't making him happy for the chance to teach him to work hard when he doesn't need the lesson.

I believe that the real opportunities for having these experiences of challenge and accomplishment lie in the goals he makes for himself. For example, he's really swimming, and it is obviously very difficult for him to pull himself him up for air, he swallows water, struggles so hard, and immediately says, "Do it again!". He all of a sudden wants to swim, he's chosen this goal for himself and is working to the ends of his abilities over and over again.

It is through these 1000s of authentic experiences of struggling for what he wants to accomplish that he will build up the character trait of perseverance. As he matures, he will see our model of working through difficulties for the benefit of others and will find value and pleasure in that as well.

I chose school for him. And while I hoped he'd enjoy it and grow from it, I chose it so that I'd have time to exercise. This isn't his goal to go to school. My goal is to exercise and I can find other solutions that aren't so stressful for him, meeting all of our needs.

"...he's a three year-old who lives in the moment, as they all do, and can't have the perspective that you have to know that even though it's hard today, it will get better and more familiar with time."

He is three. He doesn't know the future. But neither do I. I don't know that it will get better for him, though I think it probably would. I do know how he's feeling now though. I believe in living in the now as much as possible. I believe in respecting others feelings. And these are how I want him to see us living our lives.

I have more to write, more to celebrate, but life calls...

Schooling Experiment Finished

2007-08-29T21:47:00.000-05:00

I'll write more about this later, but I decided to withdraw Bowie from school. He has not wanted to attend for 2 weeks now and has been exhibiting a lot of anxiety (had to call me after he was crying for over an hour the last time he attended). Today he said that he never wanted to go back and with all the signs and those very clear words, I felt it was not in his best interest to continue. He happily went to the nursery at the YMCA and I'll be advertising for babysitters to find a better solution for all of us.

Splash!

2007-08-25T10:36:00.001-05:00

Summer. Still summer. We often have Friday night dinner at Mandola's followed with (or sometimes preceded by) a romp in the Triangle's dancing fountains. I bring extra underwear and just let Bowie at it. Last night we stood in front of the gelato counter after our meal but Bowie amazingly opted to hurry on to the fountain! What fun.

Yogurt Pops

2007-08-24T15:24:00.001-05:00

Plain yogurt, honey, frozen mixed berries, orange juice in the blender and YUM!

Falling In Love Again

2007-08-23T22:14:00.000-05:00

It's like he's my new baby again. I can't stop looking at him, like when I held him all curled up arms for 20 hours a day. To me, he looks younger. I see him as 1 again, when his hair was a bit like this. But he is my mature boy who asked me this morning if I was sad and said, "I want you to be happy about this." while touching my shoulder gently.

Oh.

And i am truly happy for him. And falling in love all over again.

Cut From Him

2007-08-23T00:44:00.001-05:00

on his swaddling blanket
his baby hair
i keep them
and let go of him

he is becoming
his own

Remembrance

2007-08-22T15:19:00.001-05:00

Now I'm crying. I held it together all along (except for the slightly sick feeling in my gut). But now, alone, looking at this ponytail of Bowie's baby hair...golden, soft and fine, it's been with him through all his life and now it is cut from him. I will keep it to stroke and hold myself. My boy. My baby.

About a month ago, Bowie started saying that he wanted to cut his hair short. Shave it like his papa's. I said that if he still felt that way after we came back from vacation that we'd do it. It's his hair. He should choose. I have a friend that dated a young man who kept his hair very short and didn't want anyone to touch it because his hair as a boy had been long and curly and he hated the attention. I always thought of this when *my* desire to keep it long butted against Bowie's wishes to cut it. Well, he didn't mention it again until a few days ago. We've been swimming alot (REALLY swimming ya'll, more about that later) and I think it's really been bugging him that his whole face would get covered by his hair. So we went to Cool Cuts for Kids, showed them an adorable skaterdude haircut that Bowie and I both liked and he ended up with this conservative cut. Next time I'll be more of a bear and make sure we get what we want, but I just wanted it to be as easy as possible for him and he was an ANGEL. What a big boy. Truly.

Simply Watermelon

2007-08-17T20:18:00.001-05:00

Oh, he loves it. 3 slices.

Unsanitized

2007-08-16T11:57:00.001-05:00

We go to the dog park and play. We wade in the creek, hunt for fossils, pet the dogs, climb the hills, dig through sticks, find broken and dirty glasses and wear them. I am not a Purell carrying member of mamahood. We dig in, get dirty, and sometimes we wash our hands but only if we are filthy. And I stand by it. Bowie hasn't been sick since Christmas. Of course that means that we've got a cold coming, especially now that he's going to school a couple afternoons. But I also am a believer that a few colds are natural and overall beneficial, though sad and inconvenient. So we'll continue to dig in.

Sun Mask

2007-08-14T20:39:00.001-05:00

Hurray! Another happy goodbye at school this afternoon. Last night Chris and I talked and talked about what our strategy would be if he didn't want to go today. And it was easy peasy! Leaving the house he did grumble, but I am finding that it is leaving his home that is hard for him. We ran some errands and ate lunch at Mr. Natural and he easily moved on from there.

When I returned from my gloriously long and relaxed workout, he ran right away to show me the mask he made with his teacher Richard. Masks are a sure way to his heart. He's worn it all the way home, all evening (except at the dinner table). So thrilled that he's doing things that he loves there.

The Sky is NOT Falling

2007-08-10T21:59:00.000-05:00

Well, I tried to post from my phone at the Y yesterday but I see it didn't work. Yes, from the Y. Bowie went willingly and happily to school yesterday! You know how horrible and awful transition in birth can feel? But that means that you are almost done, the worst is over. I have seen that in our family life too. It's the surrender and trust that have gotten me through all of those hard times. And got me through this hard time too.

I let go of the idea that Bowie's going to school would be the solution to giving me time I needed for myself. I decided that if it didn't work out, we'd find another solution. Tuesday and Wednesday Bowie stayed at the YMCA nursery while I worked out. It wasn't the 3 hours long cardio, strength, sauna and shower I've been dreaming about but it was an hour on the elliptical walker reading and listening to my ipod. It helped immensely.

I also stopped talking up going to school. Barely mentioned it. I realized that it must have been coming across as a really big deal. Almost everyone he knew asked him about it, we were having conversations in an effort to prepare him, and I think that just made it feel like a really big deal. So I decided to try to minimize it.

We left the house on Thursday with other fun things to do on the way to school. We went to the library and had lunch together at a restaurant. I think this distracted him a bit and it was easier to move on when we were already on the move. He did say before we left the house, "I don't think today is really a good day for school." and I said that we weren't going there right now and that we'd see how he felt later. Not another word of concern or hesitation came.

And I think letting him say no was important. When there has been any element of pushing from us (sleep, potty, food...you know all those issues that are so easy to get into struggles), Bowie has resisted. Luckily we have been very conscious about stepping back and giving him his power back when we realized that we were pushing, and almost immediately we see him make great strides in those areas on his own. Trust. Trust. Trust.

I am sure that he will have other vulnerable days. But we got through the first week. I got clear about what I need, he saw how much I need it, we found ways to meet that need, and he did have fun at school in the end. Maybe he'll say he doesn't want to go again. I'm sure he will. But it won't feel like the sky is falling.

Unprepared

2007-08-07T15:58:00.000-05:00

I feel so unprepared for this. Today Bowie made it clear that he did not want to go to school. He woke crying this morning. When it was time to get ready, he made no excuses about being tired but cried and cried and said he did not want to go. He says that maybe he'll want to go tomorrow.

I told him that I wanted to go take care of myself, that I needed to go to the Y and exercise. I suggested that he go to the kid's room at the Y. "But I choose to stay home." I've been crying for the past few hours. It feels like he doesn't care about me. I feel hurt and angry about that. And I also feel stupidly oversensitive and with completely unrealistic expectations. I mean developmentally he's barely aware that the world is bigger than himself, right? I also feel like I must have messed up, am messing up, because most kids DO go to school.

And then the unschooling part of myself feels quite guilty that I would ask my child to go to school when he doesn't want to go. I called my husband to check to see if he too would have not pushed him into the car and he agreed. So I feel guilty about all the crying. Isn't that a kind of pressure put on him?

I have this twisted desire to do nothing fun this afternoon. I don't want it to be more fun to stay home. I feel sick to write that. Thank goodness I write to bring out these ugly truths. Somehow I can think that and sort of ignore how vile that sounds, but writing it makes it so clear. OF COURSE I want home to be fun. Of course I don't want to punish him for not wanting to go to school.

But I do want to go work out. I really do. I need it so bad. I've been waiting and waiting, telling myself that these times will be short, that I will have time to do for myself again. But I'm feeling at the end of my rope. How can I make it happen?

Will he want to go back to school again? How can I talk about it without pressuring him? How will he know if he likes it if he doesn't go? Maybe if I suggest that I go with him again, like the visits?

Yikes....this is surely the most raw and rambling entry I've made. Yes, I am a very real and flawed mama.

Update: I typed that on the laptop sitting on the toilet lid while Bowie played it the bath. I told him that I still needed to go exercise and that I was mad that he didn't make a choice so that I could take care of myself. He said, "Okay. I choose the Y." So, we're off! Clarity is so good for us all.

Update #2: Thank you Elle and Sara for your thoughts and love. I am thinking about how to get more of my unschooling mind into this problem and because I really do think that is the most creative and respectful way to find a solution. Identify the problem: it is NOT that Bowie didn't want to go to school. I am truly okay if he does not want to go. I don't believe that he needs to go. But I do believe that I need to work out and have a little scheduled time for myself. So there's where the creativity comes in. He happily said goodbye at the Y. I don't know why he was okay with that rather than school, but he was. While I was huffing along on the elliptical walker, I realized that I NEED this and that means that I need to make it happen more often, perhaps even daily. This needs to be part of my identity, my daily routine. And I need to find a solution that doesn't ask too much of Bowie to make it possible. He's still saying that he'll go to school tomorrow, even though tomorrow isn't a school day for him. But I hope to get back to the Y tomorrow...

And The 1st Day Update

2007-08-02T20:51:00.000-05:00

Not another tear was shed. Happy boy that didn't want to leave. So relieved! But I guess I should be prepared for another tearful drop off...just in case.

The First Day of School

2007-08-02T16:47:00.000-05:00

It was surprisingly tearful. During our drive to school where Bowie will be going two afternoons a week, Bowie started saying that he was too tired to go (another student had cried about being too tired when we visited on Tuesday). And then he said that he would get lost if I wasn't with him. That he would walk home. That he would not go to school.

And I was floored. He had shown not even a sliver of fear or concern over the past few weeks of preparing. Perhaps I had talked it up too much...maybe if I hadn't described the dropping off moment repeatedly...maybe if I hadn't asked him if he'd be sad or scared...did I put those feelings into him?

I carried and held him for 30 minutes. Children asked why he was crying. Offered to play with him. He buried his face in my chest with his hands covering his eyes. He calmed down to quiet reluctance, and I walked off the deck in his sight. His new teacher came up behind him, pulled him into her lap and talked to him for a moment about the fun things she had seen him do when he visited while two boys his age stood nearby. A moment later he was headed towards the bikes and cars with his friends, and I hesitantly interrupted his adventure to say goodbye and I love you.

Then I cried for 20 minutes in the car. Called my husband to have someone to cry to. As a teacher, I remember all the advice we were instructed to give to parents during these drop offs. Just say goodbye...they'll be okay soon...but as a parent, I am not willing to just drop him off on his first day. This experience is only welcome in our family if he wants it. And I want to be as available to him as possible until he has really had a chance to know if he wants to be there. He's been so proud and happy about being a Rainbow. But being dropped off is a different thing. I get that. And I think he'll probably adjust quite well, so I just want to give him a chance to adjust.

My crazy mama thoughts as I post from the local YMCA after working out...

I was kicking myself for not bring the camera, but that would NOT have worked out at all!

Play

2007-07-29T13:49:00.000-05:00

I make peace with it every day. It looks scary and wrong. It is not the cute lovey that is so easy to love. It is his own exploration of power and strength, life and death. It is his raw real self that is so easy to love when I see that it is always still my lovey there, behind that harmless water pistol.

He tells me, "Mama, I love you even when I play fight. I love you even when I pretend kill."

My To-Do List

2007-07-27T00:44:00.000-05:00

at the Getty Museum

*reflect on the trip Bowie and I just courageously and insanely made. We flew to LA to visit with friends and photographers who became friends. We drove through San Francisco, the redwood forest, along the Oregon coast to Eugene for the Oregon County Fair. And had to give up on a camping trip with friends due to utter and total exhaustion and homesickness. So finished with a few days in lovely Portland. I'm tired again just writing it. But it was an adventure. We did it with more grace than less, I hope. Bowie amazed me. I amazed myself. By the end my patience and creativity were worn thin. What a test! But worth doing. Just wish Chris had been with us. Or we hadn't been gone so long. More reflecting to do...

*reflect on the first day of school for Bowie. We went for Bowie's first visit to the little Waldorf school he will start at soon. A couple of nights before Chris and I couldn't sleep with all of our questions and worries...first day of school jitters. Chris wondered if they'd let him paint himself. I wondered how his love of weaponry and play fighting would show itself. And although it will only be 7 hours a week, a couple of afternoons, we wondered how this would fit into our "unschooling" lifestyle. Well, Bowie loved his visit. Stayed for the entire afternoon. I still have many questions. But whether he will enjoy it, I have few doubts.

*watercolor
*laundry
*work out
*blog more

Back from the Beaches

2007-07-21T12:30:00.001-05:00

Bowie and I went on a crazy mama/son vacation for 2 weeks to the west coast and returned mid week. Just beginning to recover. I slept until 11 today. Last night was Bowie's first full night's sleep since we left home. He hugged and said, "I love you Papa" constantly for the first hour they were together. I didn't get to be photographer as much as I had hoped. Being Mama all the time was hard. I am lucky that I am able to rely so much on Chris usually. But I had to be it all. We am amazed and proud that we did it and we'll do it again, but not 2 weeks! More to come, but I need to go sit on the couch with my boys.

Pistol and Sword

2007-06-28T16:17:00.000-05:00

Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats. - H.L. Mencken

So if you've been reading my blog or spent anytime with Bowie, you will know that he is currently obsessed with swords. He has two* and is almost always holding one (he leaves it in the car at most public places, though). He talks about them all day. And makes any object of length a sword as well. He's SO into weapons. I think about this a lot, with sword poked at me, gun shooting at me. I make peace with it everyday. Because I can see that his soul is more pure than mine, that he does not need to be taught how to be good. I no longer confuse his talk about killing as any sign of his character. It is an exploration of some of the greatest issues of people and society. The other day he saw a flashing and noise making set of pirate sword and pistol. And he so, so wanted it. He sat in the aisle of the drugstore and pushed the activating buttons over and over again.

The sound is grating to my soul. It is so hard for me to hear it. But there is also a part of me that has grown to love his pretend play. He loves to dress up. He practices moving gracefully with his weapons. We have all started to engage in pretend fighting, which I could not have imagined myself doing or enjoying a year ago. And the night before we watched the new live action Peter Pan movie (which seems wonderfully faithful to the book, though we're only a couple of chapters into it). So the idea of introducing the pirate to our band of characters appealed to me.

As a photographer, I loved the idea of the images these would make. So I made a deal. I offered Bowie his first paying gig as my model. As he gets older I really look forward to our collaboration in photography. He knows that he can help me do something I really love. And we do things that he has fun doing. I have written about how photography is part of how I practice observant guidance in my parenting. But it also is part of the way I show reverence for Bowie. And it is part of my meditation in unconditional joy and love, which the unschooling philosophy has helped me experience more deeply by helping me shed so many fears. When I look at Bowie through the lens, I am seeing him so clearly and without distraction. When I look through these photos again to edit them, I see things I didn't notice before and I know more about my son and experience such a strong sense of gratitude. It repairs my pistol scratched soul.

*now three swords, one pistol, one fazer, and one lightsaber...on to star wars now, must make jedi cloaks

Farmer's Market

2007-06-27T22:05:00.000-05:00

A glorious day, but now pouring rain. This has been an amazingly mild spring and summer so far. Very wet. Which is oh so good for this land that usually is in drought and 100+ temperatures by early May. We've been spending a lot of time indoors, more from the mosquitoes that are thriving in this wetness, than the actual wetness itself.

But today we spent the later afternoon at our local farmer's market. Bowie immediately stripped down to his green undies and brand new dancing skeleton Vans to participate in the mass enjoyment of the dancing fountain. I must, must return there with him some evening and take photos. The kids had a blast chasing the water, trying to predict when the spouts would shoot, positioning themselves just so in the arch of the sprays. People, all kinds of people, sat around and watched the children play. It was clearly a place of joy for everyone. After 2 hours of this, we went over to the stage to enjoy some live music. Bowie laid down on his tummy, chin in hands, front row and watched the band for about 6 songs. Then he took off into the large yard and attached himself to a group of older kids, joining in on their goal of filling a grate with gravel from the walking paths. I sat 100s of feet away and watched from afar. I never took my eyes off of him. I saw that he was having his own experience, one that I can guess at but that I do not share with him. It was sad and wonderful. His world is bigger than me now. It is a loss for me. But the gain is so amazing; he is knowing and trusting himself, seeking out people all around him.

He had 3 or 4 involved conversations with adult strangers. He initiated all of them. He offered them food, showed them his new shoes, and smiled the most heart meltingly charming smiles. Even kissed some of them. This usually is received with delighted perplexed expressions. It’s sweet. (Sometimes he is greeted with annoyance and discomfort, though.) I think it’s wonderful that he still trusts the world. I watch over him like a hawk, my mother’s anxieties undeniable. But watching him in his confidence also sets me at peace with the world. Most people will respond to true interaction with kindness. And that’s too good too miss out on.

We were quite almost the last people at the market, the tents were gone, the fountain danced only with itself, the stage was silent, the bocce ball players had ridden off on their bikes, and the clouds were rolling in. I wished I had my camera. The pink, grey, blue, white, black…Bowie, still in only his undies and shoes, could not bear to leave. He’d been rolling in the grass, carrying rocks against his belly, skimming over brick walls (belly scratched), and he couldn’t be happier as Chris and I commented that everything he was doing looked so utterly uncomfortable. But he chose the fun. Because that’s too good to miss out on. Hmmm, I think I’ve realized my lesson from Bowie today. Notice and enjoy the things that are too good to miss out on.

Like the farmer's market.

In His Genes

2007-06-20T00:06:00.000-05:00

I love that my father in law took a soaked rainy walk and my mother in law happily painted Bowie's arms for him. He started off on himself, but soon enjoyed asking Grandma to give him polka dots and then rubbing them him. They had so much fun together. We went swimming, to the park and toy store. And she played played played. She was asked to say what Tuba, our dog, says at least 300 times in a row at dinner last night. And she answered everytime with a grin, though sometimes a weary one.

Every summer, after her schoolyear of teaching 5th graders, Chris's mom spends a few days with us before going on her vacations...this year Lake Tahoe, Hong Kong, Thailand, and home to Illinois, and camping in the New Mexico mountains. Isn't that amazing? We have a fantastic collection of postcards we receive from all of her adventures.

Bowie is blessed to have such fun and loving grandparents. My parents live near us and Bowie spends the night with them so happily and expectantly. He loves to ride on his Gramps' riding lawnmower and cook with Nonnie. It is so wonderful to see him at such ease with the other important people in his life. It makes me love my folks in a new way.

Tagged

2007-06-04T18:41:00.000-05:00

I'm not totally blog savvy but I'm learning bit by bit. I was recently blog tagged by my multi-talented friend afar, Amanda Keeys

So here they are, my top 5 boys and girls names (minus the couple we would choose ourselves, just in case we have another baby one day):

Girls:
Finley
Bella
Fern
Wren
Jude

Boys:
Taggart
Jude
Finley
Forrest
Bodhi

So I'm taggin some of my friendly bloggers:
Chelsea
Sophie
Raquel
Erin
Jennifer

Forgive me :) and I look forward to reading your lists.

Green

2007-06-03T20:25:00.001-05:00

We had Bowie’s Birthday Party this morning at a local park. Bouncy house and bubbles and green. These elements were the designed by Bowie. Great fun with great friends and family. My heart rises up every year when the people we love sing Happy Birthday to my son. He was ever SO excited this year. It is wonderful to be around such open enthusiasm and expectation. There were times today when he was so excited that he was on the brink of hysteria.

Bowie's request for cake was that it be chocolate with green icing. Yesterday we had a big family shopping trip to the party store. Chris bought green props and produced this amazing birthday cake. Every day I love that man more and more. He is an amazing papa and my best , best friend that makes it easy for us all to grow and be better.

Birthday

2007-05-29T15:47:00.001-05:00

Bowie’s third trip around the sun is complete. He will never be 2 again. I feel wonder, sadness, and joy as he grows.

Here he was just moments after his birth. How can that little soft thing (8.5 pounds, 22.5 inches) be my same little man?

Last night after escargot, crab claws, artichoke and roasted carrots (menu created by Bowie) we had cake and watched the video of Bowie’s birth. My friend Kendal had been with us and wonderfully was able to capture that brief, intense time for us. We have watched it every year. This was the first time that Bowie was able to really respond to it. He was obviously excited, asking questions, and covering his smiling, amazed mouth in rare self consciousness. I suspect that there will be a time when he chooses not to watch this with us. But I hope that he will carry this knowledge about life and love around until he does wish to see it again. I know I must have asked my mother 100s of questions about being born. This morning Bowie woke up saying, “I was born in this house.” Oh my. I can never move, can I? This feels like a sacred place to me.

I remember behind me, the door to our backyard open. The sun setting. My being growling and groaning and moaning, “Mama!” “Come!” “Push!” in the dark, quiet ring of family and friends.

My voice immediately soft and sweet as I welcomed Bowie to my breasts. His little bottom in my hand, I felt before I saw that he was the boy I had been expecting. I had never doubted my instincts but it was still a wonderful surprise.

Our dog, Tuba, right there with her little nose peering over the edge of the tub to witness this family event.

My mother, on her birthday, cutting the umbilical cord after it stopped pulsing.

Chris, who had never carried a baby before, effortlessly cradling Bowie with one arm, a born father.

My sister feeding me homemade lasagna once we moved to our bedroom. Her daughter, just one, on our bed petting her new cousin.

The doula standing outside the shower, handing me shampoo and comb, wrapping me in a towel. I felt so cared for. Hours later, after the examinations and they started up the laundry, 1am, I walked them to the door swaying with my swaddled son in my arms, to say goodbye. They smiled and said it looked like we had always been a family, like this is always the way it had been. Angels. They are angels.

Chris and I giggling as we were left alone in our home. Life forever changed.

Awesome. Not in the 80s way, but in the truest sense of the word. Completely awesome. And it has been ever since…

Birthing Bowie

2007-05-27T22:27:00.001-05:00

Birthing Bowie
Originally uploaded by autumn fawn

I want to tear the computer apart to find the birthstory I wrote after Bowie was born. But I really don’t want to spend tonight doing that. I want to remember being in labor. So here are some random memories I have had throughtout the day, 3 years before Bowie was born.

• Walking and walking around the neighborhood. Never making it very far. Stopping during contractions to hang in Chris’ arms.
• Folding clothes, labelling Chris’ drinking cup with the label maker, posting to my online natural childbirth group.
• Hugging my midwife, GB Khalsa when she arrived.
• Being told to watch a movie and rest. But never could. I was so angry that Chris could sleep. Furious that he could sleep. I didn’t sleep for 60 hours by the time Bowie was born.
• Rolling around on my exercise ball (which unfortunately hasn’t been used since).
• Chris filling the birthing tub with too hot water. My body was red and steaming. I wish he would write a post about managing the birthtub water temperture and level. He’s funny.

More tomorrow, Bowie’s 3rd birthday.

Wishes Afloat

2007-05-26T19:40:00.001-05:00

This is a photo that miraculously captures the first time Bowie successfully blew the seeds off a dandelion. (Good practice for blowing out birthday cake candles!) May all your wishes come true, sweetie.

I am so thankful for my camera. I am so thankful for the chance to see these days over and over again. I think I will remember. I try to make time to reflect and absorb. But as much as it feels like I could never forget this perfect moment, this monumental achievement, I do forget. Sometimes immediately, sometimes slowly. But through these 1000s of photographs, I can go back in some way. And he can go back too. He sits in my lap and looks at these photographs and we talk about what we remember. Which I think is important both cognitively and emotionally for him. It is essential for me.

I want to share this article from the Natural Child Project. It starts:
As a parenting counselor, I often get calls from bewildered and confused parents who say, "My baby was so angelic. Then one day the "monster" came out. I did everything right. He was born peacefully, he is still nursing on demand, still sleeps next to me, and I carried him all of the time. Why is he becoming so difficult now (at age 2, 3, or 4)?"

What has happened is actually a wonderful result of a relationship of trust and a deep bonding fostered by healthy attachment. The young child trusts her parents absolutely, and in that trust she rightly assumes that they are on her side and that she is safe and welcome to spread her wings. The way young humans spread their wings, however, is not always convenient to adults.

It is not convenient when the toddler needs to play with mud, experiment with water, take things apart, exert much energy or when he needs to be watched, held, and read to for hours. Most attachment parents do accept inconveniencing with love when the child is an infant and a baby. It is not convenient when the baby drools on us, gets us wet, messes the floor with food, or wakes us up seven times a night - yet in our trust we can see that those are her needs, and in our commitment to provide attachment, we accept those needs with love and without judgment. We don't try to teach our baby to stop drooling or to stop crying for her needs to be met. The transition from helpless baby to active toddler can mislead parents into a change in approach, from one of total trust and acceptance to one of teaching and struggle.

Last week, Bowie couldn't get to sleep with Chris (who puts him to sleep 90% of the time) and asked for me. Once I laid down next to him, he immediately softened his body and put his head to mine. I remembered those early days of his life when I would watch him sleep for hours and hours, barely able to tear myself away from him. That night, after he fell asleep, I sat and looked at him with that same wonder and love. I reminded myself that he is barely more than a babe despite all his skills and knowledge.

We are all vulnerable. We all need unconditional love. We all need patience and respect. No matter how old. Especially at 2. And still at 3.

The Sword

2007-05-23T15:42:00.001-05:00

The real sword, made out of metal (foam). He wears the scabard at all times except to sleep. It is adorable. It really is. He is being wonderfully gentle and graceful with it (though I did suffer an accidental hit to the face while getting him out of his carseat.) And he is elated. So glad I listened to him and let his joy guide me.

Bouncy House

2007-05-22T21:03:00.001-05:00

Last night we went to the dreaded but fun Toys 'r Us to get a bouncy house for Bowie. I've always had a hard time picturing the kind of people that buy bouncy houses. It seemed so extravagant. But after paying more than $100 to rent one, we decided that as much as Bowie loved to jump, this would be a far from extravagant but rather practical purchase. We had our eye on a specific bouncy house with two slides and the websites all said that they were out of stock. So I made the calls and found ours.

We set it up in the front yard twice today! Once after returning from a fun playdate at Mayfield Park. We walked down to our neighbors house and invited them to play. Then again after Chris got home from work. There was an attempt at a family stroll but that didn't go so well, you can ask the young woman on whom's curb I sat, craddling my hysterical son pleading to return to Toys 'r Us to get a bigger sword who was clad only in striped training underwear and a scabard. And yes, we did buy the boy a sword and he has had it in his hand at every opportunity. More about this later...

Meet Motorcycle Joe

2007-05-17T00:55:00.000-05:00

I think I have mentioned Motorcycle Joe previously, but I think he deserves a full introduction. Motorcycles are a former love of Bowie's. While his interest in the vehicles have waned, Bowie has not abandonned his very special friend, Motorcycle Joe. He lives in Africa. Is 4 years old (like Bowie, hee hee). He has 2 babies. He has a drumset like Neil Peart's (Bowie's other VERY special friend, who also happens to be the drummer for Rush). He kills Mimims with a sword and spear. He calls to talk on the phone with Bowie. He is coming to Bowie's birthday party (as is Neil Peart).

Oh, what an imagination. The photo above is Bowie walking in front of some old offices in Bertram, TX. Bowie said that Motorcycle Joe lives there.

Letters to My Son

2007-05-13T16:47:00.000-05:00

I've just written a tearful letter to Bowie. I've been feeling a bit sad all day. Lying on my bed reading a short story collention about motherhood put me over the edge into real tears. And I pulled out paper and pen, sat at the window where he was born, and wrote. I don't know when I'll give these emotional, sporadic letters to Bowie. I just know that I feel this need to be able to share myself and share my journey as his mother with him. I envision him reading these letters, splashed with my tears, as a young man. I hope they convey how fiercely I love him. I hope they convey that I am human and on a journey.

I am just remembering a conversation I had with my mother when I was a teenager. I told her that I wanted to write letters to my children. So that I'd remember who I was before they were born, when they were little, during good times and bad, and so that they could know me, know my intentions and hopes and ideals and struggles before they grew away from me. Perhaps I was telling her that I needed to know her more. That I needed to know what being a mother was like. I wanted to know how SHE felt when I looked out the window at my beautiful, young, long haired mama hanging clothes on the line. I remembering thinking she was so beautiful and that I wanted to be a young longhaired mama too. But as a young woman I was beginning to have a glimmer of understanding that motherhood was much more complex than that.

I finished my letter to Bowie, "You made me a mama- thank you. Perhaps one day you will make another woman a mama. I want you to understand what a gift that is." And I never want to forget what a gift it is.

Swords Everywhere

2007-05-10T23:02:00.000-05:00

A sword. This letter opener from Mexico is his sword. Every stick offers to be either a sword, a spear, or drumstick. Today he said, "I feel happy when I kill people with my sword." Gut wrenching. But I know it is in direct response to my opposite words about how I'd feel if I killed a person. So I didn't let myself go into fear and sadness when he said these things to me, when he said he was killing me with his sword. Because he never once touched me with his weapons. And seconds later his sword was magic and he'd bring me back to life. Years ago, months ago I would have been filled with fear that this exploration into weapons and violence had to be controlled or managed in some way. But now I am feeling such trust and compassion for him as he works through it. And that feels good.

Lake Tahoe

2007-05-02T23:00:00.001-05:00

Always Drumming
Originally uploaded by autumn fawn.

I'm a mountain girl. It thrills my soul. The air gets so crisp. Driving along a clear cold river makes me hang my head out of the window.

So, I am utterly in love with Lake Tahoe. The rocks lining the lake. The snow. The snow! The round view. I just utterly loved it and daydream about my next visit...

More vacation photos here http://www.flickr.com/photos/autumnfawn/sets/72157600087702905/

Spring Break

2007-04-12T13:09:00.000-05:00

We are in beautiful Tahoe for a spring fling in the snow. It is gorgeous and easy going and perfect (except for the loss of our friends Drew and Katy who were not able to come due to a family emergency). Photos to follow of course (assuming my camera allows).

Peace Loving Mama and the Sword

2007-04-05T23:29:00.000-05:00

another excerpt from my mama friends buddy group. this is about hitting.

"it really takes everything i have to react in a sane way (and mostly i mean internally). the unconditional parenting has just been invaluable to me lately. i don't always succeed at responding in a loving, kind, centered place immediately. sometimes i hold him too tight. sometimes i yell, my voice much deeper and louder than i'd wish. sometimes, i am just paralyzed by sadness and fear. but the process of checking myself, making sure i ask how i look and feel to him at that time when he needs me, is coming to me more and more quickly. today bowie told me...god, my stomache just turns to stone as i think of it, "i want guns, knives, swords, and spears to hurt and kill people." shocking. totally shocking. how he has picked up on the power of these objects in the very few and limited experiences he's had is simply mindblowing. i am really trying to get into a place where i can easily accept these exploratory statements of his just as that. he is going to toy with these ideas, try to imagine the power of life and death. it still makes me very sad to hear him talk through these imaginings. it makes me so sad to see him trying out violent power, hitting or kicking (though it is always controlled in some way, reigning himself in somewhat, but obviously trying to find out what it feels like to hit and hurt others). but it's natural, right? i'm beginning to warm up to the idea of getting him a little wooden sword. he wants one (saw it in a gorgeous little waldorf store). and i tell him that i'm thinking about it. which i totally am. he is going to explore it either way right? so why not show him that i love him and trust him enought to support his exploration? .........some of the stuff that has been occupying my mind lately."

so i am still working on accepting that he is working through this. i am loving reading kohn's unconditional parenting (though chris took off with it to seattle and now has read more than i have.)

Self Portrait at the Potty

2007-03-24T15:06:00.000-05:00

Please click on my photo to see it on flickr with notes on it...

I was so excited that I was with Bowie when he drew this. Not just in the house but right next to him because there is a chance I might not have grasped what he was creating, his first little self portrait. When I took my art education classes, early education classes we looked at loads of drawings like these. Somehow, there is a collective knowledge about drawing that leads the majority of children to go through this step. Bowie has never seen someone else draw this way. It is fascinating to me.

Animal Masks

2007-03-22T00:17:00.000-05:00

We found some great animal masks at the San Antonio zoo a few weeks ago. Bowie is totally immersed in pretend play, at virtually all times. It is fun but confusing trying to remember who he is (a cat, a baby, a mama dog, Neil Peart, Motorcycle Joe, a lion, a mimim, a t-rex, Aunt Destiny growing a baby) and who I am (a mama cat, a papa dog, a baby, Michele, Motorcycle Joe, a mimim). He has the littlest squeeky voice for most of these characters. So fun.

Rawk On

2007-03-20T10:16:00.001-05:00

Rawk On, Little Lady
Originally uploaded by chasingfun.

This photo was taken by a fellow flickr'er at a show on 6th Street during sxsw. We saw lots of live music last week (well, for a family with 2 year old it was a lot for us.)

Pouring and Goo

2007-03-12T21:54:00.000-05:00

Today we didn't leave the house once. I like to do that on Mondays. Our weekends are always pretty busy so I like to just hang about the house and tidy up to start the week off. I had three loads of dishes to wash (by hand, no machine) after a dinner with friends last night. So Bowie spent a lot of time in the kitchen at his low table. We made cornstarch goo. He loved mixing the food colors. And he did scooping practice with lentils. He even tried using his left hand, quite successfully too. He quietly put his hands in the lentils, which happily reminded me of the movie Amelie. Then he started throwing lentils (just one little handful) so we moved onto using the dust pan and broom. A fun day.

Shins

2007-03-10T19:46:00.000-06:00

Last Wednesday Bowie went to see The Shins for the second time in his little life. The first time he was about 3 months old I think. We strapped him into his bjorn (Chris wasn't yet using a sling) and took him down to Stubb's, an outdoor venue. He slept through the opening band was awake as we danced at the very back. This week we went to the Backyard, which is now very different since that huge Lowes etc. monstrosity came in. I will say that I am extremely impressed that all the development around didn't really affect our exprience though. We had to park down below it and walk through it, but we couldn't see it and the stage still was backed with oaks. Anyway, we caught the last 3 songs of Viva Voce. The female singer played a two-necked guitar (Bowie's choice of instrument when playing GUitar Hero II), so major points there. And the other band memeber was a drummer that also sang and played guitar, so HUGE points there. Bowie wore his headgear and rode in the Kelty backpack (he's really too tall for it, and there's no way I could have carried his 33 lbs around all night) so that he could see everything. Between sets he wandered through the crowd with Chris, selecting various spots as his stage, playing air guitar saying, "I'm the guitar player for the Shins," playing air drums saying, "I'm the drummer for the Shins." We went back really quite close to the stage and watched most of the set. The last few songs we watched from the rear of the venue as Bowie tiredly rested his head on ours.

The next morning when he woke up the first thing he said was, "I liked BOTH of the drummers and their drums." And only wanted to listen to Shins songs.

The music was incredible. Chris and I have seen the Shins 4 times now and they are always a great show. And we are beyond excited about taking Bowie out more and more. Live music was a huge loss for us as we transistioned into family life. But it is clear that we have a shared love and look forward to sharing many more tunes beneath the autumn stars.

Drummer

2007-03-05T09:27:00.001-06:00

Chris took this video yesterday morning. Bowie's drumset in his room. He plays everyday. And luckily, he is willing to wear ear protection.

Oh, and since I'm new at this mepg thing, will someone let me know if you can view the video? Thanks!

Potty Ruminations

2007-02-28T21:00:00.000-06:00

I am in a natural parenting group , mamas I met online as we all were preparing for natural childbirths. And we've kept in touch over the years (sometimes, more than other...like during our shared celebrations and sorrows). Well, we were having a discussion about our kids learning to potty and I was in the throws of it, having just witnessed a huge change in Bowie and myself. We are a bawdy group, so O hope you can forgive my cursing. We let it all hang out together!

"potty training- we did partial EC stuff from early on. about 8 months ago he was loving sitting on the potty and wearing underwear a lot (at his request). we wore a diaper when out always.

anyway, i thought that maybe he was ready and tried to push him a bit. i knew that i could tell when he needed to go. i tried suggesting and asking him to go for a few days, but i got really totally frustrated when he would not sit on the potty and then have an accident moments later. so for one afternoon, i decided to try to "make" him sit. i totally let it become a power struggle. he cried and i got angry. then i knew it was wrong and apologized and told him that it was his body and that i would never try to make him do that again. that i would wait for him to be ready.

i stopped asking him about going potty at all for a few weeks, maybe even a few months. and he didn't ask about it either. that potty collected dust. and i was cleaning poopy diapers again. and i totally feel like i created that stall. i made that happen by pushing him. one afternoon made such a huge impact (i also know that some kids go through phases of interest, so i'm not floggin myself about it, but i do carry guilt about it).

then i made another mistake, i think. when he asked to wear underwear, i told him that he could *IF* he sat on the potty. and he always said no and i put away the underwear and he didn't protest. and it felt a little manipulative to me but i didn't listen to that feeling much because i was so fucking sick of cleaning the sofa cushions.

one night at michele's birthday party, i was in a conversation in which a mom said that one day her daughter said she was done with diapers. all diapers, even at night. cold turkey. and the mom said, "okay." readying the scene with extra sheets and pajamas, willing to wake up and change everything in the middle of the night. but her daughter didn't wet the bed. i was awed at her willingness to show her daughter that she trusted her.

so i decided that night that the next time bowie said he wanted to wear underwear, even if we were going out, on a drive, that i would say, okay. and pack a backpack with wipes, bags, clothes, shoes, underwear, and a diaper. i decided to trust that his own route would work, and probably work much better than my route.

and the second day he asked to wear underwear, he asked to wear it all day. and willingly sat on the potty. and had lots of accidents.

whoa. tomed ya. i really have been wanting to write about this. so this is all just a "this has been my experience" answer. not an advice answer. and as rosy as it sounds at the end, it isn't always rosy. i still get impatient. i still HATE cleaning up shit running down his pant's leg. i still find myself wanting to push him sometimes. but i'm getting better at sensing those feeling early so that i can open my heart up to how good this is that he is learning this so well, really (i am blown away that he is not afaid or adverse to public potties, there are rare days that have one or no accidents, he is so proud of what he can do, he standing at the toilet) and that we aren't in constant power struggle."

I wote that a couple of weeks ago. And I am still really reeling from my own changes in thought about Bowie (TRUST TRUST TUST) and also in what Bowie is achieving, at his own pace and direction. He is now sleeping without diapers (well, four nights) and is staying dry. We still have the rare accident and Bowie doesn't got sit on his own. We just have a ritual of going potty together before we leave the house, when we get somewhere, before we eat, etc. The times that he resisted, I said, "I'll just wait until you are ready." with as much patience and optimisim I could muster and he'd pretty much decide he was ready immediately. Amazing.

Over and over again he shows me that he knows what he needs. And I am learning over and over again that the more I show trust to him, the easier, more fulfilling and successful = JOYFUL our lives are.

Beautiful Day at the Dog Park

2007-02-09T00:52:00.000-06:00

We don't take our dog Tuba out enough. It's sad and I feel guilty about that. She misses us. So I am trying to make and effort to do more with her. Bowie and I took her to the dog park last week. It was cool out, overcast. And lovely. What fun we all had. And we got dirty too. So I'm inspired to take her again tomorrow.

Pond Park

2007-01-29T22:44:00.000-06:00

A morning spent at the park. With good friends. So good. (more hitting happened though *sigh*) And then we were on our own for a while. He's so adventurous. A climber, a jumper, a balancing acrobat. We watched ants, a duckling, squirrels, birds. We talked about tree roots. We looked at algae and paw prints in the mud. We've got it pretty good.

The World is His Desk

2007-01-25T22:43:00.000-06:00

My friend Carolyn told me that there were old school desks at our local thrift store. And I had to get one for Bowie. With a coupon I got the double desk and one school chair for $6. I put it in the corner of his room that is surrounded by windows. I think a view outside is so important for the soul. I think a view outside is so important for the imagination, and inspiration, and for beauty. As imperfect and sad a backyard as we have, he can look at trees, clouds, bugs, birds, squirrels, spiders, wind, light, his tee pee, our pets, rain, and on this day he could watch the rare sight of ice in Austin.

Anyway, I look at this photo and I wonder how this desk will look in a year. It will be more him in some way I can't quite guess at yet. Stickers? Collection of sticks? What will he be interested in over that time? It's so exciting.

I am loving his obsession with dinosaurs. I never knew anything about dinosaurs. Somehow I think I acquired nearly no knowledge about them until about 9 months ago. But now I am learning things that I can't believe I didn't know. I am reading Digging Dinosaurs about the discovery of Maiasaura fossils and most importantly NESTS found in Montana during the late 1970s. And this is all a gift from Bowie. He opened up this world of interest.

One of the things I read about unschooling is that the experience of completely immersing ourselves into a subject so deeply that it may appear to be all that we are interested in at the time (perhaps scaring others into wondering whether we are learning math, or spelling, or whatever) allows us to know that every subject has depth and therefore every subject is interesting. It doesn't have to be presented in some cute, graphic, dumbed-down or even in a beautiful, perfect, high level way. It is interesting if we can find the resources and allow ourselves to exhaust every area that intrigues us. If we allow ourselves and our children to have that experience, then we don't have to be constantly "lighting the fire".

I am a former teacher. It is/will be hard for me to let go of loving the order and beauty and storytelling of what I think is the best I learned about education. But I also realize that the best of what I previously learned about learning doesn't really feel in contradiction to unschooling, as I am coming to understand it. And it is frankly relieving. To trust him. To trust the wonder of the world. And it feels exactly like the trust and wonder I had in children that brought me into the field of teaching in the first place. Coming full circle.

He's Only Human

2007-01-19T21:38:00.000-06:00

Bowie hit a friend today. Well first he threw metal race cars at D's head. And hit later. It's been a couple months since he's done this. Luckily, no one was hurt and each incident was eased over quickly with Bowie checking on D and rubbing him.

I really struggle with myself when he lashes out like this. I really have to talk myself down and remind myself that the impluse to act out in violence is a normal and natural one for a 2 year old. I have to tell myself that it is not my fault. It wasn't letting him watch Fraggle Rock that did this. It wasn't the organic vanilla yogurt with 27grams of sugar that did this. It just is. We all have this in us.

I was able to say this to him and it felt right to me, "Everyone gets mad sometimes. And sometimes we want to hit and hurt when we are mad. That is natural. But you have a loving heart and a strong mind to help you make a better choice." And I touched his chest and his head when I said it. How many times will I say this? Many , many I suspect. And I have to find peace with that.

Wintery Mix

2007-01-17T14:27:00.000-06:00

We are at the end of 3 ice days! Chris has been home playing with us and cooking up a storm (first try at kolaches a success!). After what started out as the warmest winter anyone can remember, we finally got hit with a storm. They come every 3 years or so. It's ice more than snow and down here no one is prepared for icy roads. So everyone just stays in. When we had some snow flurries yesterday, we bundled up and went outside. The front yards all along our street were filling up with our neighbors. College kids played football in the street. People let their dogs roam off leash. That in itself was a magical sight. But Bowie in snow...such wonder! He could not eat enough of it. He was face down in it, lapping at it like a dog. And he ate at least 6 icicles. Probably 10. And he really wanted to have a snow fight. An unexpected vacation at home. It's been wonderful.

Chris is feeling a bit cooped up though. Stores are opening up and he's out to get more provisions (for broccoli soup and meatloaf and chard and butternut squash). Bowie is napping for the first time in weeks after reading Jane Yolen's Owl Moon. I'm listening to the drip of melting ice. Loving the wintry mix.